Today felt a bit like a fever dream. Those days where you wake up late, and remain in a bit of a sleepy state throughout it. No matter what you eat, or how many cups of coffee you have, you sort of don't exit that realm of tiredness. Not quite with it. Barely capable of thinking. Just sort of floating through the remaining hours of the day. I didn't really take pictures today as a result. I felt like I just wanted to stay home and let the time continue to pass. I took these photographs yesterday, another day in which I woke up late and felt the same fatigue. This past week has been quite chaotic for me, a lot of socialising, a lot of very late nights in which I just couldn't really get the rest I've needed. I had a ton of fun with it all though, I just couldn't really get myself to find the time to have a break and recover from it. The nights felt like they were longer, going to bed as far as 5AM. The mornings were basically nonexistent. I usually don't mind having a broken sleeping pattern, and to some degree I feel I need one now but with nothing to do, allowing myself to just have time to relax and enjoy the peace of being nocturnal.
Though I feel like I don't really want that either, I feel the need to continue on and keep trying to build things here in Armenia. The idea that breaks will just slow me down, not allow me to grow, that I may miss opportunities as a result. That idea of FOMO is just toxic, in my opinion. Where FOMO often enough just results in poor living as you feel the need to pursue endless growth or events without really taking a break. I understand that breaks are needed. That they help heal the mind and body. Naturally, we need some rest. I just want to be more aware of how I utilise time, whether it's going towards something that helps me, or whether I am merely just taking advantage of free time to the point where the laziness creeps on in and ruins that productivity entirely. How we utilise time is an interesting concept, there's not really a good or bad way in the end. So it's all a little battle in the mind and what we perceive is worthy of our finite time and perhaps not so much. Photography has been on my mind way too much, and I really want to get that new camera and pursue the videography side of things more. But again: time. The issue of having to save up and prepare.
I feel like I am in constant motion sometimes. That I need to be in constant motion to feel happy. That sometimes when I do sit still I feel like I sort of just give up. I fall into that procrastination and I notice my mood changes. The motivation dies with the idleness. It makes sense that I feel most alive and happy when I have that camera in my hands. That movement that comes with. Constantly looking around and pushing my senses forward. Perhaps to some degree photography is a method of escapsim, as well as enjoyment. I don't know, in the end, it's all just a bunch of guesses. As long as I am happy, does it really matter?
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