I had an interesting talk with Smallsteps this afternoon about what a person "is" in terms of their parts. What we did, was break it down into three components of the body, the mind, and the feelings, and then discussed the implications of each of these, and the effects they have on us, as well as how to keep them healthy.
It was easier to start with the physical body, where Smallsteps identified the core things to keep it healthy as eating well, exercising regularly, sleeping enough and added (a little to my surprise), keeping it clean - hygiene. We came to the conclusion that it is pretty easy to identify what needs to be done in each of these areas, although it can be hard at times to put it into practice.
Moving onto the mind, we found it is a bit harder to identify what is important to maintain and what is required to look after it. However, Smallsteps mentioned learning new things, practicing them, and then learning more to improve them. By doing this, there are always new things to learn, so it becomes a process.
Feelings...
This was the harder discussion to have, because it is clear that what kids have been taught, is that when they feel bad about something, they should avoid it, take their mind off it, "focus on the good things" as Smallsteps mentioned. But, while this is a good way to break negative thoughts, it doesn't actually teach the skills in how to deal with them. This isn't emotional management, it is emotional neglect.
When I was a kid, no one talked about these three things really with me, though there was some discussion around the physical side. We had to eat our vegetables, we had to go outside and play, and we had to bathe regularly. But even sleep didn't take that much emphasis for me.
When it came to the mental considerations, there was almost nothing, as if there was no way to affect outcomes. Which is true, if you do nothing, learn nothing, try nothing. That means that mentally, I was left to my own devices, having to build my own strategies unsupported, and ultimately created habits that weren't great, and have taken a lifetime to overcome. And like an addict, I will never be free of the burden, it will always take effort to resist falling back into old frames.
Similarly, there was zero attention paid to improving emotional skills, and due the environment I grew up in, there were a lot of areas that a child couldn't comprehend fully, let alone build suitable processes to manage. As a result and even more than the mental side, the emotional side became a mess, full of poorly formed assumptions and conflicts. And similarly to the mental side, it has taken a long time to change my behaviors and affect my outcomes.
Which is interesting, because when it comes to the time it takes to make a difference, shifting feelings is by far the fastest. We can go from happy to sad, or sad to happy in a near instant. However, if we are looking at the mind and body aspects, they take time to intentionally shift. Excluding events like physical accidents or strokes, if we want to affect our physical condition or mental conditions, it is done over a longer period of time. While the steps to do so are clearer in those areas, changing our feelings is faster.
Which is why emotional management is such an important part of who we are, because it is our feelings that drive so much of our behavior (physical) and our thought processes (mental). So many people can't "do" if they don't feel like doing, which is very, very limiting. As I was explaining to Smallsteps, for me to be able to do my job well, I have to learn things that I actually don't want to learn, but they are a prerequisite. If we are continually not learning because we don't feel like it, we are going to miss a lot of the prerequisites in order to do more of what we actually want to do.
But, what became clear is that in order to have a "healthy person", each of these three body, mind, emotions have to be considered, developed and cared for. It doesn't mean that they all need to be perfect, because that isn't possible, but they have to be accounted for, because each is going to impact on the other. There is no way to really tease these pieces apart for longer periods of time, even though it is possible to avoid or ignore pieces for some period of time. For instance, even in a bad mood, it is possible to perform physically, but it is probably near impossible to always perform in a bad mood. And of course, the thinking processes are impacted by our emotional state also.
Role of a parent?
To finish the conversation, I asked Smallsteps what she thought the job of a parent was, and she mentioned the obvious of "taking care of the child". However, I said that was only part of it, so is there more? So, she thought a moment and then said, help a child learn what they need to know in order to take care of themselves.
Great.
And, in order to be able for a person to take care of themselves, they have to be able to take care of all of themselves, not just their body, their mind, or their emotional state. They have to have processes and strategies that help them manage what they will face in their lives, and still be able to act toward building quality of experience. If they are taught strategies that ignore the reality of themselves, they are going to get increasingly out of sync.
Knowing is not doing.
Knowing what to do is not understanding. To understand, there has to be the mental knowing, the physical skills for application and the emotional ability to be able to put it all into practice, or accept limitations. Too often in society we tend to focus on the emotional reaction components, making people hyper-sensitive, but not having the skills to actually process it emotionally, think through it mentally, and control the physical actions associated. When we aren't aligning all of the pieces that make us a person,
It is illness.
While parents will always make mistakes, at some point, we have to grow up and stop blaming them for our actions as adults. We have to take a step back from ourselves, and evaluate what parts need to be relearned, reworked, and practiced. The earlier we do this, the better.
Like any quality investment.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]