This may be hard for people to understand but I want to share it:
I’ve always had a hard time enjoying things for their own sake. I needed to feel like something was benefiting other people or myself in some way. With guitar I wanted to help people feel things and with writing I wanted to help them understand things. I had a hard time appreciating the process of doing these things because I was worried about the final result.
This has changed over the past few years but I still struggle with expectations a lot because of this.
I think I’ve struggled to enjoy things because I have not always been valued for my strengths (instead I was valued for things that didn’t matter to me) and when I was valued for my strengths, it was by people who wanted to take advantage of me.
That led me to feel as if I needed to prove something to people while maintaining control, not because I wanted to be liked but because I wanted to survive! I also felt that I had enough to offer without having to pretending to be something I am not, but the failure of others to see this value was incredibly frustrating to me, especially since I could see how much they valued things which were destructive or distracting, things that kept them addicted and disempowered.
I see that the “common sense” is that we should not be ourselves because our true selves are not valuable to the market, and I can’t help but feel that this is a feeling that is perpetuated in order to help people who have power to maintain their power.
All of us are naturally overflowing with thigns that could be valuable to others but we’ve been fooled by so many ads and opportunists that we don’t recognize the value in ourselves or in each other.
We are problem solvers by nature. We are explorers. We are full of creativity when we tap into our passions and purpose. We can be horrible if feel we are backed into a corner but we can be wonderful when we feel truly supported and loved.
My life up until this point has been an attempt to discover better and better versions of myself and somehow find a way to express it to the world in a way that would ensure my wellbeing and also protect me from abuse.
I refuse to believe this impossible. That’s the only reason I am still standing.
I never wanted to give up my faith in people or my faith in myself but while it’s been a journey to discover a version of myself which overflows with value, it’s been even harder to share it in a way that translates to people who have been made to feel that they are anything less than incredible.
If they can’t see their own value, how could they see mine?
I know I could use flashy bells and whistles to attract people, I understand how that works but I feel to do so would be a betrayal of the world and the life that I would like to create myself.
I realize that I may be asking too much of life, that things are not set up to be so perfect and comfortable, but if someone doesn’t dream it, how could it ever come to pass?
I’ve accepted that my chances of failure are high, but I still want to learn to put this mission aside and enjoy things for their own sake, without a desire for escapism. I truly love music and games and taking to people and want to be able to do all of these without any thought of how it might lead to this or that or how I’m wasting my time if I don’t maximize it’s usefulness to me.
Now I am learning, slowly, how to enjoy things for their own sake. It started with learning how to enjoy my sensations again, something I forgot when I was 6 or 7 years old.
Ultimately if I want others to appreciate me as I am without any ulterior motive, I need to learn to appreciate things as they are without an ulterior motive.
I imagine that if most people dig enough, they will find similar feelings and maybe some beliefs about how they aren’t valuable enough as they are. This is not true. You are amazing just for being here and for every bit of joy you create in your own life and the lives of people around you, you bring that much joy into the world.
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