Everything that I want, I want from you
But I just can't have you
–Stray Heart, Greenday
Konnichiwa Hivers, it's me again, your one and only ridgette! Are you all well? Honestly, I'm experiencing a lot of cramps right now, but I'm daijobu. I just want to ask you all: have you ever experienced admiring someone? Raised your feet, if you have, hahaha, just joking. Kidding aside, today I'm going to share an experience—an unforgettable one—that I had with him. Believe me, it isn't unforgettable because it was nice or romantic; it was otherwise.
I was rummaging through my things yesterday when I found something familiar. It was a photo, a laminated, printed photograph. The moment I saw it, I remembered something—or rather, someone. I remembered him as my first crush. You see, I'm a person who doesn't easily admire other people just by their looks; I usually don't get attracted easily, but I guess he's an exception.
There was something different about him that made me admire him, and until now, it was still a mystery. The more I get to know him, the more I get certain that I really admire him. I'm just in fourth grade at that time, and naturally, I'm really shy to admit that I admire him. I admired him from afar. I'm much more of a serious type of person; humor and sarcasm weren't really my thing. I was really innocent about a lot of things. I'm innocent to the point that even the feeling of my admiration for him was strange for me. It didn't feel right, and it's really weird.
He's my first crush, so I wasn't really sure how to handle my feelings for him. It was always awkward whenever we interacted with each other because, no matter how I tried not to be affected, I somehow got flustered, but nothing will compare to this certain memory that I had with him.
It was way past afternoon, and I had already finished my lunch. Usually, most of my classmates played outside, and of course, since I'm not fond of playing, I just stayed inside our classroom. I was reading a book when I saw him through my peripheral vision. I stopped reading for a moment to gaze at him secretly. He was really the opposite of me because he's like a sun radiating so much energy. He usually likes to grin—a boyish grin that suggests that he's mischievous, but really he's not. He has a lot of friends because he's really polite and friendly. That's how I saw him at the time before this certain experience happened.
I was still gazing in his direction when I noticed someone; it was his mother. I was quite puzzled at that time because his mother usually doesn't come to school during lunch breaks. His mother immediately found him, and then she grabbed him by the collar. Their game was instantly stopped, and after she released his collar, she pinched his ear. I saw him grimace out of pain. His mother scolded him heavily as he dragged him towards the classroom. You see, his mother doesn't like him to play under the extreme heat of the sun. She said that he should not play after lunch breaks because the heat of the sun is extremely hot.
She reprimanded him further on a lot of things, which I had naturally forgotten by now because I was just focused on how he would react. I already saw a lot of my classmates reprimanded by their parents, and most of them talked back and really reasoned it out. However, he's different; he just bowed his head and didn't say anything. After her mother left, I thought he would go back to his playmates to play, but he immediately sat on his chair and rested his head on his bended arms above the table. He pretended to sleep, but somehow I knew he wasn't really sleeping. I felt pity for him, so I decided to approach him, and that clumsy decision started the'somehow' humiliating experience I had with him.
After I approached him, I sat down beside his chair. Until now, I'm still wondering what really propelled me at that time to approach him. I easily get pity, but I'm always shy and afraid to approach other people. My social anxiety was extremely high at that time, and it really baffled me why I did that. Anyway, I slowly peeked between the spaces of his fingers to get a glimpse of his face because he was hiding it inside his bended arms.
"Are you okay? ", I weakly asked.
He heard me because he hid his face further inside his bended arms. He didn't answer, and foolishly, I began to talk to him. It seems that he's listening for a few minutes, but after that, I think he realized something. He fisted his hands. Without raising his head, he said to me
"I didn't ask your opinion; go away! Go!", he said harshly.
I was shocked at first, but a few seconds later, I snapped out of my foolishness. I immediately stand up and made my way back to my seat. It was really embarrassing, and I think I did went overboard that time. I shouldn't have approached him, assuming that he'll like my company. From that experience, I learned that I had to value privacy and space. Maybe, he needed some moments of isolation and not intervention. We'll anyway who am I to intervene in his problems right?
With that, I learned that not all hurt people or people who are experiencing something needs comfort. Some of them just needs space to recollect themselves. I realized that it was really a bad timing to approach him that time. Of course that was really embarrassing, but with that experience I learned something, and that's all because of the boy who cried go.