Too many questions unanswered...
Too many things left unsaid...
Too many emotions never noticed...
Too many wishes never granted...
and too many broken promises...
What may be the cause?
(When I still don't know why I don't have a daddy by my side[Picture enhanced through Polish App])
Where is Daddy?
Growing up without a father figure, I was always asked where my daddy was. I sometimes hear other people say "maybe her dad left them already". As a child, those words doesn't mean a thing...but as I grew up, it gave pain...like, Do I have to answer everyone who asks?
Mom always tell me the story about her pregnancy wherein she got pregnant abroad and that she doesn't want me to grow up overseas since their culture was different from ours (Igorots). Mom faced pregnancy alone. She told be that whenever she feels pain due to pregnancy, she would sit on the corner of her bed, making the walls her "shoulder to lean on". At that time, communication was hard. You have to write letter and bring it to the post office. She cannot just call daddy and complain about the pain like what our generation does. I just cant help but shed a tear while writing this. Oh how hard my mom's life was without daddy.
She also tells her "labor story" on my birthdays. Mom told me that when she was in the hospital, she was accompanied by 2 women, once is my aunty Myrna who never got married and Aunty Lourdes who was a Caesarian Mother. She would laugh on how they thought that her water bag broke when in fact, she just peed. The nurse who assisted told my aunties "Don't you differentiate pee from broken water bag!?". Mom laughed.
Should I Tell Him?
On my Elementary days- when I already learned how to write, mom makes me write birthday and Christmas greetings that will be sent to dad as early as November since the letter will reach daddy a month after it was sent. I also remember how my mom strictly checks on my letter and makes me do it al over again whenever there are errors. Hahaha!
He went home when I was in Grade 5 and he celebrated my birthday in March (but my birthday was really in the month of September). That is because he needs to go back. I think that was in 2005.
On my 6th year in Elementary, daddy promised to come again on my graduation...I really did my best at school but on my graduation day, he did not come.
When I was still in Highschool, cellphones were already widely used and I communicate through text with daddy which costs 15 Php with minimum words of 100? I'm not sure. I wanted to tell him my daily routine, my Highschool life but it was that expensive. So we only end up with "how are you" and "Stay safe always, I love you". That time, I get envious whenever I see other kids with their dad- like, I forgot how
it felt...was it good? or awkward?
Will He Care?
They said that teenagers gets rebellious sometimes and I did. I got to the point where I wouldn't message him or talk to him over the phone since I don't know if he really loves me or not. I question if does he really care about me or does he have a family overseas already? I hated that thought but I couldn't help myself but to think about that.
I keep thinking...what if I got into an accident? Will he come home? What if i hurt myself? Will he come home? I don't think so...
Aland again, I was promised that he will show up on my graduation day...2010 came and daddy never showed up...What a let down.
But there's still a chance right? I still have one more chance for my daddy to come home...my college graduation day.
Wishes that were Never Granted
In college, I never let daddy's broken promise get in the way with my studies. I tried very hard to finish my college with no failing subjects just to show it to daddy. I've kept all my hand-outs, my quizzes, my notes and took 'em to the bookbinding shop. I still have it with me up to this date. It is being kept in a box since I am waiting for the day that I'll show it to him.
Whenever I miss daddy, mom accompanies me to go window shopping and treats me with my favorite food- Steak! Medium rare steak! Aaawww. I don't have a picture of it but i'm craving of it now...imagine those easy-to-cut T-bone steak! YUM!!!
(O.J.T. days at Mines View Park Hotel)
Back to the story...yes, mom comforts me through my stomach whenever I'm missing daddy. And that went on until my On-the-Job training. There was an option for us to go abroad for our OJT where we can be paid while working but the catch is, we have to stay there for a year...and that's like a year delayed for my graduation...It was a good opportunity but I'd rather not prolong my graduation since my daddy MIGHT come...it was his last chance ..
But guess what!? On my Graduation day, again, he wasn't there. Imagine how I felt. I was deeply hurt.
and those broken promises left a scar.
Work and Forget...???
(Our Linen Room at Albergo Hotel where I worked for a year)
By the time I started to work in a hotel, I tried to be cold to him..again. I started talking to him rudely...I question him if he has another family there.Yes. I did that to him. He explained but I refused to listen to him (This is through Chat so. I refused to believe his story). And I really hated him soo much! I remember how I went to a room and locked my self in the CR where I cried so hard just to release my dismay, my anger and all those kept up emotion. And after that, I went to work like nothing happened.
The Reason
So now that I'm older, I now know why he did that...I now understand his reasons...It was because he was aiming for a green card. He is working in Tinian and at that time, they were promised to have a green card if they stay there for a long time without vacation (according to him)...They waited and waited until different presidents passed but no green card was issued to them. By the time I went to Taiwan to work, he went home and just like in my Intro, we only met 6 days after 13 years of not seeing each other.
How did those 6 days go?
Of course it was already a bit awkward. I'm 25...with a month baby in my womb. I couldn't express myself properly, and I think he too is awkward about it. We didn't talk much and then the 6 days passed by so quickly. But before he went back to Tinian, He met my Husband and my Inlaws. He was there when we planned our wedding. And just like all my birthdays, graduations and other important days of my life, he wasn't there on my Wedding day.
(My hardworking daddy)
Now that I have a family of my own, I understand him. His sacrifices...his pain...that he chose to be away to provide. He too suffered...not just us..not just me. And I am so sorry for all the this things I said to him before..I am ashamed of myself because until now, having family of my own, he still provides for us...not all pur needs but gives us something during celebrations and during important days...He may be not with us physically but ## YES!!! ## For me, he really is the best daddy in the Universe. I was too blinded to see this before but now, I can see it clearly. He loves us and sacrificed many things for us. so Cheers to all the OWFs! Cheers to my daddy!
And that's my story for today. Here are my takeaways:
We should appreciate our parents more. We may not understand all but let's not be rude to them
Immaturity brings bad decisions. This was when I asked my daddy if he has another family. I was immature back then.
Try putting yourself in their shoes. Try to see in their perspective...You might be surprised on their POVs.
Love your parents. Don't wait till it's too late.
Thank you for taking your time,- @mama-ayn. 🙇♀️