A white and endless area. A bench with an old torn cover that the passage of time had made it difficult to distinguish its color and I who was leaning on it with a cat-like expression. I was wearing a loose robe made of a sack-like black cloth and a crown made of metal wire and pieces of glass was placed on my voluminous curly black hair. Bright marble white skin, big emerald green eyes and an asymmetrical smile on my lips. With my right hand, I was holding a cup full of red drink and with my left hand, I was playing with my curls of hair.
At this moment, my servant, Matthew appeared in front of me. He was tall, had a fit elegant shape of body and reminded one of a leopard. His long straight dark brown hair flowed down his chest like a lovely stream and he had big black eyes.
- You look frisky today, my lord.
I took a sip of the drink and put it down.
- I have no other choice, Matthew. I have to enjoy my time in this white hell.
Matthew began to walk and look around.
- My lord, do you think revolutionary starts from pure white or from pure black?
I took the cup and stared at its red blood-like content.
- None, Matthew. I think it all starts with an endless red. People are on a large canvas, it is full of bright various colors, very bright, so much that it is blinding their eyes. So they take a spatula, attack the canvas and try to remove those damn blinding colors. They are happy and hopeful, after cutting those colors, they will approach the soothing black, cool lovely black that they can immerse themselves in, but… but it isn’t like that. Underneath all the shine and light, there is only red. Intense red, red of blood, the blood in which they may drown. It is at this moment that they understand removing the colors from the canvas hasn’t been enough and they must destroy the canvas itself.
I sighed and put the cup down again. Matthew came near me, knelt down at the foot of the bench and stared his pitch-black eyes into the emerald green eyes of me. I also stared into his eyes, leaned forward, placed my hand gently on one side of his face and said in a soft voice:
- I couldn’t make a revolutionary, but I still have this pure black. The black inside these eyes, the black I can sink into without regret.
Matthew’s eyes moistened and his lips trembled.
- My lord!
Old nightmares, so old that looked like pale ghosts. They shook and flickered. There was a time I was ready to do anything to remove those cursed nightmares from my mind. But now I was holding on to them with all my might, because they were my only companions in this endless white area. Of course, not quite. Matthew was, too. My heart ached at the thought of Matthew. During my first years of my staying here, Matthew came to visit me most of the time. We talked for hours and hours, that is, in fact, it was mostly me who talked and Matthew listened. He sat at the foot of the bench, held my hand, looked at my emerald green eyes with his pitch black eyes and listened to my words until I got tired and fell asleep. I was sure Matthew didn’t let go of my hand even then and the touch of his hand protected me from my nightmares like an armor.
But now Matthew rarely came to see me and I had to learn to cope with my troubles alone. I had two choices: To stare to that endless white and lose my mind, or to close my eyes and let the old nightmares come to me and conquer my soul. I often chose the latter. When Matthew wasn’t by my side, I preferred the horror of my nightmares to the numbness of my white prison. So I laid down on the bench and surrendered myself to the world of dream.
The thatched buildings with colored windows, bright green young bushes and narrow streams. I was flying over this landscape and trying to record every bit of it in my memory. I wanted to remember it when I woke up. I wanted to describe it to Matthew when he came to see me. I wanted to continue this pleasing course and stop my dream from turning into a nightmare. But alas, this matter wasn’t under my control.
As I was flying, suddenly an arrow hit one of my black wings out of nowhere. I spun in the air in an unbalanced way and started to fall. The tangled landscapes on the ground got closer to me every moment until finally my head hit something hard and I passed out.
Large quantities of cold water were poured on my face and it woke me up. I opened my eyes and while my vision was still blurry, I saw some people surrounding me. I became half-raised, blinked a few times and my vision became clear again. Those people were hunters. One of them tilted his head back a little and called someone:
- My lord.
A tall man with long wavy golden hair and a luxurious robe came forward. I gasped. I knew this cold pale face and lifeless blue eyes.
- Petrus!
The golden-haired man said:
- Levi.
Then he took a few steps forward and continued:
- Because of the crimes you committed, you will be executed right here.
My heart sank in my chest. Now I had completely forgotten that all of this was a dream. I crawled forward, grabbed Petrus’ velvet robe and sobbing said:
- Petrus! You shouldn’t do this. Please, please…
Petrus nudged me back gently with his booted foot, but I who was clinging to his robe tightly, just went back a little. Petrus bent, took my shoulders and looked at my eyes. I also stopped sobbing and stared at Petrus’ face. I was trying to understand what his feelings were by the look in his eyes, but Petrus’ eyes were like a still waveless sea. I pulled myself up and said in a calm emotional voice:
- Petrus, please. You can’t do this. Won’t it be painful for you to kill me with your own hands? Won’t this break your heart into thousands pieces?
Petrus’ eyes narrowed slightly and his lips started to tremble. I smiled hopefully, but then Petrus threw me back hard and said in a cold firm voice:
- No Levi, it won’t break my heart, because it’s been a long time I don’t have a heart. You tore it to pieces.
Then he pulled out a long sword from the sheath attached to his waist and came near me. I raised my hand and shouted:
- No!
The sword went up and landed on me. I shouted again and this time woke up in the white area on the bench. While panting and tears streaming down my eyes, I said in a helpless voice:
- Matthew, where are you?
I was walking in the white area with slow steps. My eyelids were irritated and I thought they must be puffy and red. The scenes of that nightmare were still parading before my eyes and I could still feel that arrow in my none-existing wing, I could still feel the sword wound. As I was lost in my thoughts, suddenly Matthew appeared at a distance from me. I stopped, folded my hands behind my back and looked my servant up and down. As slightly bent, he came to me and knelt before me.
- My lord.
I said coldly:
- Well, so you finally decided to come.
Then my voice took on a mocking tone.
- Matthew, a servant of a miserable ex-wizard who has lost his power and now this miserable ex-wizard is nothing, in a way his old servant has left him out in the cold.
He raised his head and said in an anxious tone:
- Please don’t say that, my lord. Forgive me, punish me.
I stared at his face for a few moments while feeling angry, humiliated and heart-broken at the same time. I thought to myself how I got here. While trying to hold back my tears, I went to the bench and threw myself on it. Matthew also got up immediately, came in the same direction and knelt beside the bench. Suddenly, he burst into tears and sobbing said:
- Forgive me, my lord… Please, please… I didn't come, because it was too hard for me to see you in this state, it made my heart burn!
I leaned toward him and looked at his tearful face; I really wanted to think that his words were true, that his tears were not crocodile tears. I smiled and put my hand on his head.
- I understand how you felt, my dear Matthew, I do.
Matthew pulled himself forward and rested his head on my knee. I started to stroke his head.
Do you remember the good old days, my lord?
The days we lived in the underground castle? Of course I remember. Living in a place like that terrified many people, but we loved there. We didn’t want to be in the light and let the sunlight seep into our souls and find out our secrets.
When you brought me to that castle, I was only a small child. As soon as I saw the place, I fell in love with it. I ran through its long winding corridors, made a mouth in front of portraits and discovered secret rooms.
Now I find it hard to believe that those days existed. All of this seems like a dream, a dream that has joined nothingness forever… They threw me in this white hell, because I had destroyed wizard embryos. But I only did this to save their mothers’ lives and it was totally with their consent.
At this moment, I started to cough. Matthew lifted his head from my knee and asked anxiously:
- Are you all right, my lord?
I waved my hand in the air in approval.
- I’m… fine… It’s nothing.
But then blood’s drops splashed out of my mouth and settled on my pale chin and throat.
Matthew said in horror:
- My lord!
He got up, sat down on the bench next to me, put his arm around me and whispered a spell to make me feel better. But my coughs became more and more intense until a severe suffocation overcame me. Matthew cried in terror:
- My lord! My lord!
I got up and while clutching my chest, kneeled down on the white ground. I raised my hand and put it in my throat, moved it lower and lower until it reached somewhere in my stomach and gripped that thing tightly, the thing that was moving in my stomach. Matthew was staring at this scene with wide eyes the whole time. I finally pulled my hand out of my body and dropped a hard-skinned creature that looked like a combination of a spider and a centipede on the ground. The creature screeched and started to move in a hurry. Immediately Matthew sent a spell toward it with his hand and tore it to pieces.
- What was that, my lord?
I stood up and said:
- Probably one of the same parasites that made me lose my power. Unfortunately, they have multiplied all over my body.
Matthew said in horror:
- Is there a way to get rid of them?
I answered in a tired and helpless tone:
- Even if there is, I am not aware of it.
I went to the bench, threw myself on it and tried hard to hold back the tears that were formed in my eyes, but I couldn’t. I burst into tears and they flowed down my cheeks. Immediately Matthew went near me, sat next to the bench and took my hand in his.
- My lord, my dear lord, please don’t cry. I am sure a solution will be found for your illness.
I smiled while sobbing and my lips were trembling.
- I’m so glad you still come to see me, Matthew. I know it is not right to say this, I shouldn’t be happy that I have trapped your heart here in this hell.
He shook his head as a sign of negation.
- Don’t say that, my lord. Wherever you are, my heart belongs there.
My sobs gradually calmed down and tiredness took over my body. I closed my eyes and Matthew held my hand for a while. Then he let go of my hand and placed it on my chest. Perhaps he thought I had fallen to sleep. I felt him stood up slowly, turned his face from me, moved away from the bench and disappeared knowing in my heart he wouldn’t come to see me ever again.
