I thought it had stopped... that I had overcome my seizures, and maybe I could predict when they would happen. But that was just wishful thinking. Unfortunately, that theory was wrong.
I had been working for the last three days, and I was really stressed because there weren't enough workers again. For the last two days, I didn't sleep much because I know myself too well. When I'm so stressed, I can't sleep because my mind keeps racing and I can't clear my thoughts.
My husband was working the night shift, and I remember looking at my phone at 3 a.m. to text him that I was going to bed. And then, my memory stops.
I needed to work on Friday, and when he's working at night, he always calls me to wake me up in case I don't hear my alarm. But I didn't pick up, so he started to panic. We have a rule to always have my phone loud if I'm alone and if he sees that I'm too stressed. But I didn't. So he knew something was wrong.
Fortunately, we have coworkers who understand and know what's wrong with me, so they let him go home to check on me. He found me on the floor with my dog beside me. He didn't know how many seizures I had, but apparently, I was conscious, I just didn't talk and I was looking through him. I didn't have any blood on me, so that means I didn't fall.
My usual routine in the morning is to wake up, make coffee, and then go to the bathroom to get ready for work. Maybe I noticed the seizure was going to happen, so I laid on the floor? It's also a rule that if a seizure won't stop, to call paramedics, so he put me in bed and waited beside me. The seizure didn't happen again, and after an hour, I opened my eyes and noticed him by my side. I asked what was wrong and why he was home, and that I needed to go to work. He explained everything.
It's nerve-wracking not to know why now? Where did I make a mistake?
In the evening, when it was time to take my meds, I noticed that on Wednesday, I forgot to take my pills. Not in the morning, not in the evening, and also not the next day before work. How could this happen? I always take my pills because I know what will happen if I don't, so how could I forget? Yes, I was just overwhelmed with work, with some other personal stuff, and I didn't think about my epilepsy. I have occasional petite mal seizures and déjà vu happens a lot, but I'm not worrying a lot because I thought I knew how to control this so that grand mal seizures wouldn't happen. But this time, I couldn't intervene. So... it's actually my fault that this happened... I forgot to take my pills! I'm angry at myself that this happened because it hadn't happened for some time now, and I really thought it wouldn't happen again. Yes, I've proven again, my medication is helping, but only if I take them regularly.
It's hard to describe the feeling when I wake up after a seizure, completely unaware of what happened and with peace in my mind. That's the most awful thing. Why can't I have that peace all the time? Of course, after a few minutes, all my emotions start coming back, and I feel like a girl with a lot of problems, and my mind just can't put together how it happened. It's nerve-wracking, and I hate that I can't remember!
I'm better today. I just needed to put that on paper because... it helps to not forget what actually led to having a seizure. Natural medicine and music are helping me to calm down.
My dog is always by my side, especially when I'm not feeling well. She comforts me and makes me feel loved. No matter what, I know she'll always be watching over me
So... This is it for today. I'm still not strong enough to sit behind the computer to explain further, but it really helps to share that with someone. My lips and my tongue still hurt because I bit myself, so I have an excuse to eat ice cream today 😂
Be healthy, stay strong. A lot of things happen for a reason, and maybe this is my reason to take some time for myself.
“Epilepsy is something nobody knows much about. It’s just part of me, part of my head, part of what’s happening in there. Sometimes something in my brain triggers it off” - Neil Young
With love, @tinabrezpike ❤️