Yo hivers! It's me again, ridgette, saying konnichiwa to you all! Are you all well? Feeling motivated? Or feeling a bit under the weather? Or just fine, I guess? Well, for today, I'm going to share an experience that somehow changed my perspective on how I view life. My moments with her were certainly one of the memories I can't forget. I'm really hoping that wherever she is now, she's at peace and hopefully happy.
Last year, I was unfortunately hospitalized due to a fever and body aches that I had experienced and endured for almost a month. At first, I thought it was just a normal fever, but even though my mother had already brought me to a couple of clinics, the fever still hadn't stopped. Upon arriving at the hospital, I was immediately interviewed by the nurses about what I felt at that time, the symptoms that I had experienced, and many more health-related questions. They thought that it was dengue, which was the same as the diagnosis of the last clinic doctor that checked me up, but when the blood tests were examined, the result was different. It was sepsis, so I was admitted immediately to the emergency room. I stayed for 3 days (or perhaps longer?) in the emergency room, and after that, I was admitted to the last ward on the second floor. There I was monitored for days, until I was transferred again to another ward.
A lot of blood tests were done during my hospitalization, so basically they had to extract a lot of blood samples from me, and that part really scared me. You see, I'm really afraid of blood. I was scared when my mother brought me to the hospital, but I had no choice at that time. I thought I would not be hospitalized, but it seems that the more I distance myself from the things that scare me, the more they come near me. Days after the laboratory tests that I have undergone, the result of the decisive laboratory test came. I was positive with the antinuclear antibody test, and that means I have lupus. I wasn't able to accept it immediately. It was really hard for me to process that fact because I know what it means to have that disease. I thought maybe it was just an error, but days later I was transferred to another ward, which was the rare blood diseases ward.
I was struggling to accept my situation at that time, but there I met her, and clearly at that time, her condition was worse than mine. Her condition was still unknown at that time because her laboratory tests were still being processed. Her bed was beside mine, and there I started to know who she was. She's almost the same age as my mother, but she looks older. She already has adult children, but most of them are busy with their own families. That's why they find it difficult to find someone to look after their mother. There are even times that no one looked after her, but of course, my mother sometimes helped her when she needed something. We also talked sometimes about various and even random things.
Source: Janet Radana
I know that it's somehow painful for her that almost all of her children were too busy to even take care of her, but I know she understands that each of them already has responsibilities with each of their families. She knew that, and that's why she always tried to act fine, but somehow, as time passed, her situation worsened. After several laboratory tests, she was diagnosed with leukemia. I was really sad because I knew that there were only a few people who survived that disease, but I'm really praying that she'll be one of them. I know that she somehow knew what it meant to have leukemia because I noticed that her good mood gradually lessened. There are even times that she spaced out, but during the video calls with her grandchildren, she somehow managed to act cheerfully. She was genuinely happy to see them, and I knew that she really cared for them.
My condition gradually improved; my body somehow coped with the medicines, but as for her, she's slowly falling into despair. She didn't show it to her children or even to her husband, but it became a different story when her mother visited her. She cried heavily when her mother came, and her mother immediately comforted her. It was a heartbreaking scene, and I just looked away because it was really tearjerkering. With her mother, she confided her regrets and sorrows, her burdens that she has been carrying ever since she was hospitalized.
Source: Janet Radana
She has endured a lot of hardships while raising her children. She really worked hard to the point that she neglected herself because what really mattered to her was the wellbeing of her children. She thought that she'd finally be free from those hardships since her children are already adults, but that disease came. Due to that disease, she experienced heavier hardships. I really felt her anguish as she shared her burdens and feelings with her mother. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but our hospital beds were really close; that's why I heard what they were talking about. After her mother's visit, her mood seemed to lighten up.
Source: Janet Radana
After weeks of recuperating, I was finally ready to be released from the hospital. I was really happy, but somehow I felt quite sad because I know she'll feel lonely once we leave the hospital. Before we leave, I say goodbye to her. My mother even asked for her daughter's Messenger account so that we could still connect with each other. After processing some discharge documents, we finally got to leave the hospital. My recovery in our home went well, although there are really noticeable changes in my body. For months, we still keep in touch with each other through Messenger, and one day we've got sad news from her daughter. She died because her body couldn't make it anymore. It really saddened me. I kept on thinking about her for days; I even cried at night whenever I remembered her.
Her death made me ponder a lot of things. Her life story somehow affected my perspective on life. It made me realize the importance of valuing myself. It's fine to care for others, but you must also not lose yourself in the process. It's really important to give yourself time because your own wellbeing really matters. Even though you feel really worthless because of the failures and mistakes you've made, you still matter. All existence matters, and certainly we are all created with purpose.
That ends my sharing hivers! We all live to discover our purpose, and I'm hoping that this will somehow inspire you. Let's not forget that we all matter!
That's all, arigatou!
