Waking up felt like hard work, work I never imagined I would one day despise so much.
"Thank you for another beautiful day" I can hear my mum singing from the living room.
oh dear, I miss those beautiful moments we'd dance and sing while giving thanks for the beautiful gift of seeing yet another day, it is another faithful mercy of God, my mum would say, oh now I miss those genuine and blooming smiles of mine that my neighbors and everyone I came across couldn't help but compliment, but now all I do is carry an unfamiliar scowl around.
I miss my smile, like a fragrance that attracts people to me, the smile that attracted him to me. He was the best and worst thing that happened to me, and like a cloud, he overshadows my thoughts, day, night, and even in my sleep, he is a total psycho who fits the very description of a devil masquerading as an angel of light. Funny enough, the more I try not to think about him, the more I see his familiar yet unfamiliar scowl that seems to change with every situation. Wish I could turn back the hand of time, but do I?
"I never thought I'd see a real angel on earth, for you radiate light" Was that a compliment? I asked myself as I turned 360 degrees, coming first to first with a stranger I never knew I would be sharing my first kiss with. Are you talking to me? I asked looking all innocent and shy
There's only one person as beautiful and warm as the sun here, he replied with a smile looking intently at me, I felt a pull in my stomach, trying so hard to hide the rush of excitement I was feeling with his presence, with a smile I squeezed out a thank you.
My name is Allen, he said with his hands stretched out for a shake, Ella I replied with a smile as I returned the gesture,
First time here? I asked, completely forgetting about the teaching material used for the children during the Sunday school class which I am supposed to be putting together.
Yes ma, first Sunday here, and completely bewitched by a gorgeous lady.
Stop it, I said with a smile, looking around like a thief afraid to be caught,
Bewitched? I replied while trying to do that eye roll thing, well I hope It was successful, I do see them do it in movies.
Oh sorry, Lord forgive me he said clapping his hands together and doing the sign thing like a catholic priest, I couldn't help but burst out laughing.
I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. He is something, something I can't explain, I thought to myself. Numbers were exchanged and I found myself smiling all day and willingly doing all the house chores which earned me a suspicious gaze from my mum all day, can't a girl be hardworking with nothing attached but the love of Christ? I asked her. With a smug and a shake of the head, she left me alone.
Hello beautiful, he texted that evening,
And the rest was a blur until a question I had been looking forward to popped up on my screen.
It was like a knot being tied in my stomach. I felt a rush of something thrilling, and a lub dub sound that won't stop, a sound I can sincerely say I heard from somewhere only to realize that somewhere in my heart, and without thinking twice I replied yes.
Only if he'd understand how I could be his peace and more, I'd be the best girlfriend he had ever had, I'd support him in everything. I'd let him know I could be his trust bank, he'd be down and I'd run over to lighten his burden. I'd pray and give him my all, financially, mentally, and emotionally, and that was indeed all I did, like the monster he is, he took it all and in no time broke me.
He made me realize how ugly I am, he told me I'd never amount to anything, and he made me realize I was not worthy of his attention and love. He made me apologize for getting pregnant when he was the one who didn't like the idea of using protection and pushed for abortion, and like the little lamb I was I went for it, he made me sleep on the cold floor because my blood won't stop rushing when he is in the mood, when in fact I was on my period. He made me apologize for Bella ignoring his call, but what does that have to do with me?
Bella, a name that constantly haunts me, that the only difference from mine is the letter B but that doesn't make me her, a constant reminder from my dear boyfriend. A name that belonged to his ex who cheated on him with another guy and left him for that guy, And a week later I happened to be his new Bella.
Ella, you are a mess I can't deal with, you see, I hope to find Bella in you but you don't seem to match the expectations and your smile is ugly. He said with a smile that can be compared to that of the devil.
I laughed so hard, I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt, I laughed so hard that the tears were fighting to rush down.
And guessed what, I woke up laughing that my eyes burn
You alright hun? my mum asked from the sitting room as she stopped singing,
Yes, mama, I replied, trying to sound alive
You still going to get the groceries? she asked again
Yes, mama, I replied, as I dragged myself off the bed, forcing my eyes to open as I stared at the stranger in the mirror. She looked unfamiliar but she moved as I did, was a stranger in this room, or was this me?
I laughed again as I stared at a face looking unrecognizable mimicking all I had done, maybe it's my shadow playing a prank on me, but that's her Loss I uttered as I got ready to go grocery shopping, for 2 weeks, I have been shut from the outside world, even my mind turns its back at me and my thoughts constantly stab me, am I ready to face the world, well I will never know unless I am out there right?
Picking up a shopping cart, I moved to the provisions section and began filling up my cart while humming to Allen's favorite song, I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.
"When the Party's Over by Billie Eilish"....
I turned around to come face to face with the voice that just interrupted my thought process, and standing before me was a beautiful man with eyes full of hope, radiating energy I have missed so much, beaming with a smile and so full of life. I found my soul drawing close to him, like a thirsty vampire dying for blood, so is my soul humming for his peace,
I hope I don't drown him in my misery so quickly, because I will surely take my time to make him crawl into the darkest end of infinity where I sit with my crown.
Yes, you got it, I said with a smile
My name is Ella, a wonderful wristwatch you have there, I complimented him
Thank you, Ella, you can call me Emmanuel, he replied with a smile.
I could feel the dark hum in the pit of my stomach as it settled with a dark smile that crawled to my face.
I look so much like him with this cynical smile on.
I hope I make you proud Allen.
I thought with a smirk.