As a disclaimer, this post is both long and personal. Do not feel compelled to read unless you are interested about my continued shadow work.

Shaking Off The Shadows

What is something my younger self would be surprised about me now?

This question puzzles me. I don't mean to give myself in the past more foreknowledge than I would have, but the biggest surprise then centers on people. I remember in my younger years, feeling like I would graduate with this community. After all, kids don't have visions of moving from places they grew up, at least, now without good reason. I didn't have one. I lived in a small town off the South Shore, one so small, in fact, that the schools I would need to attend were all within a few miles. My elementary school was farthest from the physical address of my home, fifteen minutes away on foot. My then high school was across the street. To make it in the morning for home room at 8 AM, I could leave at 7:55 and arrive early.

To sum up, I didn't believe I was going anywhere, that is, until it was decided for me that another school would be good for my chances at a good high school, which would increase the likelihood of attending a good college. I was distraught because it was the first time I had to leave a community permanently. Attending this new school would be the first taste of early mornings and long commutes, a pair that still gives me nightmares.

What could I do? I couldn't protest- I had no choice. I would live in the same home, but see virtually none of the same kids, given that I had a poor excuse for a mobile at the time. This community loved me and I loved it too; I was part of it, they respected me, referred to me affectionately, and most of all, I was close to them. If I got older there, I could've walked over to my crush's house. If I still went to school there, I would've graduated with kids I had known for as long as I could remember. I would've seen Nuge at least one more time before he died in that car accident. I learned so late about his passing; I felt like a foreigner. Yes, maybe my mother was right, that I could have maintained contact with people, if I made the effort. How can you argue against that? You can do anything with enough effort! Right?! What's the point of telling a thirteen year old he can keep his friends even if he moves if he tries hard enough? Was I ever trying hard enough?

I Stopped Talking To So Many People

Maybe this was inevitable, but I held my mother chiefly responsible for feeling incensed enough to relocate me for "better education". I wish I could've read her that one book by Barry Schwartz, about choices. She's a maximizer, through and through. Maybe she's matured even more in later adulthood, but my mother is a woman who Haitians refer to as "tèt cho". A real hot head, I'll say, moved only by the perception that things aren't ever enough. I mean kids who graduated my old town's high school still got into Boston College, Boston University, and even better institutions. Was there a reason for me to relocate? Who knows. I made the most of what I could wherever others' ideas took me.

I could not keep in contact with that many kids, even from the same home, waking up earlier than ever to come back later than they let out. It was futile. I went from being able to cross the street to get to class in 5 minutes, to carpooling 20 minutes with a younger, blonde girl and her kid brother. My sister was old enough, only 9 or 10, and went with me, too.

^{Pictured: Jay T (left) and Chris N. (right)}

From Elementary School

Even if I list off the names, I could not call them all my friends. But if I remember their names, they definitely meant something.

1. Jay T. - We had this co-catchphrase, we would use when we didn't believe things someone said. He'd start with "Yeah, uh huh." I would finish with an exaggerated, "Okay."
2. Noah R. - He was tall then, and very skinny. He'd play ball at the courts, and even let me join, though I sucked.
3. Chris N. - He rode those trick bikes like in X-Games. Funny as all get out. I just couldn't bring him up to any of our friend since he passed.
4. Derek G. - Another regular at the fields behind the park, who rode BMX bikes.
5. Alec W. - Fancied himself a basketball player. He was cool, even if he sported a bigger babyface than I did.
6. Brandon W. - Alec's cousin, who was more interested in soccer. I played with him on soccer teams, explaining my lack of basketball ability.
7. Marco C. - My first Peruvian friend. We enjoyed talking about WWE and and Dragon Ball. It might've been fate that I'd go to Peru some years later.
8. Raymond P. - A cool Hungarian friend of mine, who first introduced me to the Rubik's cube. He taught himself how to complete it from any state.
9. Kevin D. - Kevin was quiet, but I liked how much he'd doodle on his worksheets. I would explore illustrating a bit when we had class together.
10. Kasey B. - She was boisterous. Boys liked to give her a hard time, but I think it's cuz they were into her. She was nice to me, albeit sassy at times.
11. Kylee G. - She was another outgoing character, freckled and proud to be Irish. She had younger siblings so she and I related about being the eldest siblings.
12. Jordan D. - Kylee's close friend, if I remember right. She was kind to me too, referred to me affectionately by my nickname more than my real one. She was confused about identity in those days, and didn't want to call me 'black', for some reason or another. In retrospect, she's another reason my handle is what it is. That kid's black.
13. Brook D. - I really liked her. I think she liked me, too. She went to my 16th birthday party, which I invited her too, despite moving so far from that town. I should've told her how I felt at some point. I'm sure she would've accepted my feelings.
14. Nina J. - My Laotian babysitter, who lived across the street. She watched me with her younger sister, Nora. Those two girls made me aware of the fairer sex.
15. Nora J. - Nina's sister, who teased me while she watched over me, waiting for my mother to return from work. They had a Laotian word for me, which meant 'little brother'.
16. Sammie P. - Kylee's friend, with a younger sister. I teased Sammie a lot, but she was easy-going about it. After all, she admitted she could be clumsy.
17. Mirabelle B. - I liked Mirabelle. Though she was in the year after mine, she still hung around a lot of the usual suspects. She was really affected when Chris passed.
18. Brandon S. - I don't remember how I first met him, but Brandon and his family were something. His mother smelled like cigarettes, only on occasion. They always had massive Halloween directions each year. He even came to a birthday party of mine. There's a picture of us together, somewhere.
19. Austin S. - Brandon S.'s younger brother, Austin, seemed to get on his nerves often. I just think he looked up this younger brother and wanted to play. The two of them and I often re-enacted WWE scenarios and played with their NERF guns- something I wasn't allowed to have in those days.

^{Pictured: Josh A.}

To Junior High

I spent one weird year, eighth grade, at a charter school. Their eighth grade class hand a literal handful of kids. I remember Jacob and Neil, who liked Muse and tried to use 'scup', from the word scupper, as an expletive i.e. you dirty, mother scupper. The entire school was eccentrics as far as I was concerned. Neil liked Gracie, who was a tall girl with sunken eyes, and in general, very kind to me. She was friends with Sophia, who I won't call my first girlfriend, for the fact that we never kissed, her parents apparently didn't approve of our relationship, and eventually she used my as a scapegoat explanation rather than explain her depressive behavior to her parents. I liked Sophia because she was smart and cynical, like Raven from Teen Titans. We were young. There was Richard, a Haitian boy who identified with and looked up to me then, since I was still sporting a uniform against my will, under the direction of my "tiger mom". Josh was a bigger boy, with younger brother named Marvelous. Even at that age, they were crass when speaking about the girls in our grade. There was Brandon O. another African boy who seemed to understand what it was like to live with demanding parents and expectations. Charlotte, Edina, another kid named Kyle, three triplets with the last name Jackson, the eldest brother a year older than us named Kiserian, the two girls, Jesse and Joanie- I didn't speak too many of them after I left that school, for a new high school in 9th grade. Apparently, I finally got the chance to enter a good high school and I took it, under the guidance of my mother, as you might've guessed.

^{Pictured: Jaehmar P. (left) and Tom M. (right)}

And High School

I did not live near my high school, as I once did. To attend the high school I was so lucky to attend, I rode about two hours each way, each day, via bus and train. I include the time I had to walk from my house to either catch the bus or just make it to the train station. It was something else, commuting so much, for five years. I saw a decent portion of the city each day, even if only in passing. I grew to enjoy capturing it via photography, thanks to a kid I met in my math class, too.

Maybe, if I made more of an effort, I could've kept in touch with more people from high school too. I can't say I didn't try. I didn't drive, didn't have money for a car or a job to fund hailing rides or owning a vehicle. I had two kids I absolutely loved seeing, Seth and Tom. There was Joey and Jaehmar, another Haitian kid I like to joke about being my brother. He's got a nice smile.

For some reason, in high school, I could not help but take notice of the girls then. I truly believe I went to school with some remarkable people. Rosy participated in a Black advocacy group from their town and invited me to join their demonstration once. She was friends with Darcy, Sara, and Casey- they're all still friends to this day, in fact. They travel a lot together, last time I checked social media. Sabine is a talented painter. Sophie was our class president and in my Spanish class. She has a good humor about her, and let me joke about her pronunciation in class. She might've gotten into Harvard or somewhere prestigious like that. I remember that I took senior photos for Vanessa, again, a misunderstood girl in the eyes of the boys. She didn't care. I was torn when I heard she developed cancer. I don't know how she fares now, but last I did hear, treatments went well. There's Aran, who's Gameboy Advance and copy of Pokemon Emerald I still have. He gifted it all to me saying he didn't play it much, one of the kindest and most foolish gestures ever. There were several Nick's, all characters. I played rugby with a tall ginger named Nick, who proposed to his ginger girlfriend, Emma, not too long ago. They're somewhere out west. I knew a Greek kid named Spiros. He played soccer with me but was very funny and aware of Black culture, citing that he had some other friends of his own. I met Chris O and Owen M, who I still keep in close contact with to this day. They inspired me to pick up a camera to capture my vision, and I haven't looked back ever since.

I think the reason I'm interested in a photo project involving Dunbar's number stems from the fact that I have so many connections I have made, still remember fondly, but haven't maintained very well since moving onto different places.

I don't think a younger me, ever imagined I would meet so many more new people, leave behind even more, only to keep close to a select few. I guess I always thought everyone I knew would be my friends forever. Maybe they are. Maybe my memory of them is that token of our friendship.

^{Luke G., Aran A., Tom M. (left to right)}