Fractal art by the author, Deeann D. Mathews
If there is anything that we as humans seek to avoid, it is pain.
If there is anything humans raised and believing in the mores of a consumer-driven society find it hard to do, it is letting go of things – even the stopping of accumulating things is difficult.
Yet it is also true: a closed fist cannot receive, and a broken heart is an open-heart position. Love and controlling possession are not the same, and if one is ever going to truly get beyond the idea of loving only as far as the extent of one's own interests and getting into the true spiritual understanding of love, this distinction must be acknowledged and practiced. Love is far, far bigger than the grasp of my little hand and the mental and emotional extension of the same … yet in acknowledging that love is not a thing to be greedily grasped and held is also the discovery of and ability to participate in love's infinite reach.
In the drier seasons of the year, I spend a lot of my time dropping off books of mine in the local Little Free Library locations. While I am not yet a minimalist just because I still have way too much stuff, I am a tortoise in a world of hares. I will baby step my way to anything, and I know in the long run practicing this will save my life because of the integrity of the grieving process that is approaching for me for my parents and many other beloved elders in due time … the process of practicing release in a positive way … of loving people and things all the way across the transition … of joyfully being the bridge to their next stage, though that stage no longer directly includes me … it is good to have many, many, many books to practice on, in advance.
With people it is much harder, but life continues to offer me learning opportunities. Three people called me to let me know … one is the love of my life, though across a gap too large to have and to hold … he was the first great model for me that love, sometimes, is letting go for the good of the beloved.
He called me, third in line … persons one and two are people I helped bring to positions in my circle, and hoped to have close to me and available … but no, I was "just" the bridge! One is across and gone, and the other most likely will be very soon.
I'm glad they called first … the process of loving on them and rejoicing with them helped me be ready for my beloved to call and share his hope for his life's last mission. This American hero has one more thing he may be able to do for his family and community, but it will take him far from me. Yet he knew as the others did that he was safe to speak with me … and in his case, he gave me the opportunity to love him as unselfishly as he did me … and to let go.
I am human. I do not enjoy loss, even in prospectus, more than anyone else. My emotions of course shrieked, “But what about me!” In two cases in particular: “I was the one who helped you across the gap – how can you leave me like this?”
But then there is what you feel, and what you think, and what you choose to do, based on the wisdom that you know. As a Christian, I am under commandments: “Rejoice with them that rejoice” and “Look not every man on his own things, but also on the things of others.” I have been moved by the Spirit of God to walk in His power and practice what I preach – there is no room for acting from desperation, fear of loss, fear of abandonment, or jealousy in my life. It is a blessing from God that all three of these people, dear to me, knew they could tell me their good news, and I would continue to bless them insead of becoming one who curses them. Now they know how much I actually do love them, not the role they play in my world, but them. They are going to move beyond my grasp, but never beyond love's reach.
I cannot say I enjoyed last week's lesson of love beyond one's grasp … but I am grateful to have had it, and blessed. At moments the pain still stabs at me, but there is also peace ... I have come to the truth, and I, too, am not beyond love's infinite reach ... room is being made for new expansion and connection. A broken heart and a reaching hand are both open. I shall see what is given to both, in the rest of the year... and hold it loosely, for as Corrie ten Boom once said, you get hurt less if you don't cling to the things God always has a right to take away in His good time ... the need for this practice will always continue, so long as I am of this earth!