I received a comment from a someone I truly like today and ended up writing a story.
I won't name her because I dunno if she'd like me to or not. But if she would then say "hey ho", sister and fellow traveler, and credit shall duly be credited where credit is due!
And thank you for engaging. As always. 💜
Part of The Accidental Theory: A journey to freedom
Read from the beginning >>
A snippet of the original comment:
I think there are still times where tact is an issue, and a soft lie is better. For example:
Provider: How are you doing today?
Patient: Oh, my back hurts, and my neck pain has flared up again since last week. Looking forward to my massage. How are you?
Provider:Awful. I've had stomach pain and diarrhea all week. I really didn't want to come in today but I have to make money so here I am. Let's get this done shall we so I can go home.Great! Definitely looking forward to the weekend.
My reply that became this post...
Yes. I see your point :)
I guess it comes down to motivation then. As always!
Here the provider's main motivation is to keep a client and business = financial gain.
Not actually the patient's best interests, then. WHich is the provider's (meant to be) purpose.
So lying would be useful. Or mandatory, really.
I don't think passing on a stomach bug would be good for business over time. In fact... this business could well close down in full eventually.
But... if the provider was more interested in healing and personal growth, or spiritual "seeking" as some folks prefer to see this, lying would be a counter action to progress. For both parties involved.
Whereas - adhering to their principles, and purpose, would protect their client.
Which would make them a better therapist.
Of course.
Here's an example of a different motivation and, hence, possible outcome.
Provider: How are you doing today?
Patient: Oh, my back hurts, and my neck pain has flared up again since last week. Looking forward to my massage. How are you?
Provider: Awful. I've had stomach pain and diarrhea all week. I really didn't want to come in today but I have to make money so here I am. Let's get this done shall we so I can go home. Great! Definitely looking forward to the weekend.Patient: Really? Well my friend told me that they also had a stomach thing and their offices are also in this area. What are the chances? They said that the tap water could be dodgy because of the constant load-shedding in the area. Perhaps you should use a water filter on your taps.
Provider: Oh? Thanks for the info. Let's give you a great massage today then!
(The provider feels better for being heard, and validated, as well as empowered to take action to not get sick again and gives the client an all out epic massage - because they are also more empathetically/heart connected now as well.)
And/or 2: The patient is empowered with relevant information to make a sound choice.
(Ideally the therapist would have done this before they traveled to the appointment if the therapist had "right" motivation/action)Patient: Um... I can't really afford to get sick right now, so thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it! Nothing worse than being in pain and having a stomach bug as well, I'd imagine.
Bigger picture outcome 1: The provider also sticks a water filter on their tap and doesn't get ill again. And ends up missing work again unnecessarily. May lose one client but earns more money consistently. Or earns more money consistently and the client laughs and returns because they respect the honesty, it made them comfortable and they received an epic massage!
Bigger picture outcome 2: Gains trust because therapist took ethical action to prevent them possibly getting sick as well. May lose one session's income but increases ethical reputation, and client base, over time.
Perhaps it's more how we tell our truth than how much truth we tell?
But, as you all know around here, I need to work on my diplomacy so don't take any suggestions on diplomacy from me. Yet. Or ever because fuck that, quite frankly. But working on it! Maybe... 😉
How it works
Weird thing... that guy I fired as a client, and his liddle bit jelly girlfriend I suspect, told a bunch of people in the village that I have herpes.
I only told him because he spent all of our sessions trying to get me into bed and wasn't working his recovery. And he was using Cocaine. And his brother and dad had died of a heart attack two years plus younger than he was. It was dangerous to enable him.
So I fired him.
And he was a bit pissed off.
He also had a girlfriend, at the same time he was hitting on me Very common and it just happened for the thrid time in this village, by the way. The men in ZA are "allowed" to behave like this, so he had to come up with some stories to avoid getting into trouble, I 'spose.
The women are always blamed.
Whether we do the right thing or not. Fact!
But back to the incident.
I told him, in confidence in a session, that I had this particular STD, to try and impart some info on how "Love and Sex addiction" works. Most folks who have addiction problems with alcohol or other substances also have this particular addiction, you see.
And out of respect, as well.
Also... I was attracted to him and there was a discussion about some choices to be made.
I could either sponsor his recovery, as he'd hired me to do, or we could end sessions and get to know each other personally.
There is no possible way that both could happen at the same time.
My condition, for us to enter into a more intimate relationship, was that I refer him to another sponsor and he got a year sober, while we got know each other as friends, and then (possibly) moved into an intimate relationship.
Good practice in recovery.
Good practice in any relationship!
You'd have to know a bit more about how this recovery thing works to understand why it's not a good idea, to start anything new, in the first year of recovery from any kind of addiction.
You can, however, take it seriously from anyone who has seriously worked recovery for addiction that this is a no go!
But addicts also don't like to wait much. We (and I say we even though I no longer consider myself an addict because of this rather startling and quite bizarre recovery I've experienced) like instant gratification. For everything we want.
We want it. And we want it now, dammit!
Any way out.
Any way to ease our pain without doing the work, ideally.
If a new relationship does this, then whoopdidoo let's do that instead! Even if we don't know the person well. Even if the person isn't good for us at all. Even if we have little in common. Even if we never will have much in common.
And especially if the relationship is toxic 101 and we get all those mad hits of Dopamine from the major "highs and lows* of said dysfunctional relationships. Tick tick. Boom!
It's almost as good as the drugs and alcohol, y'know.
Me personally? I've done too much work to enjoy that kind of thing anymore. So sober and well sober, please. And still working on yer personal shite because it's endless and we forget. A lot!
Also... I already have two kids, thanks.
And addicts in active addiction are less honest, accountable and responsible than three year olds.
For realsies. 😳
Now I know why mom rolled her eyes at me when I arrived back from trance parties, fucked off my bracket, in my late forties. Sorry mum!
But trouble with a capital T because girlfriend already, you see. And not much honest recovery being worked either.
So off they went to share it around a small, gossipy village and hey ho... an abused, single, sick mom (with outstanding recovery skills, I might add 😁 ) has not been able to find work.
For a year now.
I didn't know why until recently.
Now a cancer scare and no funds for treatment.
Do you think people care?
Nope.
They're too embarrassed and/or ashamed to step up or step in. So now the preference to maintain and protect the lie, because it is more comfortable, becomes life threatening (realistically now because this is what it is, see?) for those around them.
And this rumour finds it's way into the children's circles and into my son's school. Where they other kids begin to tease him, no less.
I told you addicts behave like children so this isn't surprising at all.
Using drugs and alcohol to avoid stressful situations, and hence not learning and skilling up like most healthy adults do, results in people (literally) not growing up mentally and emotionally in many ways.
I had years of growing up to do when I stopped using drugs and alcohol. Years! It was quite an experience to begin seeing exactly how stunted my development was, in fact.
What do I do about the harassment?
Let's just clarify this here, please. Because I am a woman and gender counts. And we will have to have a discussion on this, at some point, because women in my country are literally dying every day because of this ongoing shit.
In addition, there was more behind this smear campaign. A lot more. But we will leave that for now. Because it will scare the heck out of most ethical and sane people.
Oh... and I'm not being dramatic or "crazy" or lying 🙄 because I am a woman. *sigh
So a clear cut case of harassment, then. Along with loss of income, and some bullying for me and my son.
Let's have a look at this "truth" thing more objectively and go "A Little Bit Deeper" then.
My response
Perhaps pre-2019 I'd have slunk off into the shadows in shame and embarrassment. But 2019, and the four plus years that followed, have gifted me with some additional resilience and experience.
And a bit more insight as well.
Instead, I share that I have herpes from a sexy, wild encounter on summer holiday with a sexy French boy online. I put it out there without a care for all the world to see.
And this does a few things:
a) It disarms the adult children because it makes them look as stupid, petty and ridiculous as they are.
Now they don't know what to do. Bit nervous, really.
The stunned silence and averted eyes in the village are obvious.
b) It prevents me from feeling anxious and depressed. And ashamed of something I shouldn't be ashamed of, really.
I'm not the one who has done something wrong here.
I fucked up when I was in my twenties, sure. Who hasn't? Raise your hand, why dontcha! Holy crap! I had unprotected sex, with a sexy guy on holiday, and got an STD. What are the chances? 😆
What I did do is play this mistake on the straight and narrow because I care about other people. And not only myself.
I've never passed this on to anybody because I share honestly with every partner I accept into my intimate life. Most people, let me tell you straight up, do not tell folks they have this one. In fact, I've had to suggest to a person they do after they slept with someone because they were too ashamed or embarrassed to tell them up front.
This puts innocent folks at risk. Again.
And imagine what happens if, two years into a great relationship, this comes up (or out, if you will) unexpectedly and you pass it on to somebody you love? I mean... people don't think of the bigger picture when it comes to telling the hard truths. At all. They think of the short term gain of doing the exact opposite.
And, again, they put innocent people at risk.
Every single lie we tell, does this, you know.
Every. Single. One.
If you begin to look at the bigger picture.
The bigger picture
Every single lie we tell also prevents us from ever achieving proper authentic individuation. But that's another story.
It becomes even more interesting when you see, the bigger picture, outcome of "truth".
Understanding that truth is mutable and changes as our understanding grows. Of course. I mean your truth at the time.
Just "Do your best". (Ruiz)
But the rest of the story goes something like this...
And here's where things become really interesting!
I add this harassment issue (and it is this - legally - so let's name it, please) to the protest I do on Facebook over season.
To raise awareness.
It's December and I'm struggling health wise again - because of not standing up to shit like this for too long and because there is so much of this and it is so normalised in ZA.
I'm too tired to get to family Christmas. Too much treading water, you know. Not enough income to rest properly again.
So I step up and speak some truth again and...
guess what happens?
As I'm doing the protest I add the #Herpes tag to a post. I carry on posting... it's stream of consciousness now.
I'm firing them up and away spontaneously every minute or so. It's happening organically and I have a fuck ton to say. Things that should have been said years ago.
And then it happens.
The one post.
Suddenly, in this oh-so-organic stream of conscious protest...
a connection is made.
Boom.
The evidence that my life partner would never have chosen me to get close to if the false allegation had been true!
I sit there looking at it for a minute.
There it is.
"And the truth shall set you free."
Perhaps I should thank the shit-heads in the village for the invasion of privacy?
Perhaps this is why they say the most difficult people in your life are your greatest teachers?
Still... not gonna learn much if you slink off into the shadows and don't address any shadows. More logic
The Truth Shall Set You Free
Now, I'm not Christian. I'm not religious. I'm not even spiritual anymore, tbh.
I'm also not an Agnostic. Nor am I an Atheist.
What I am is awake enough to know that these labels are a load of human frailty and fear. I know that they only divide us and distract us from any real, plausible "truth".
So, "I am Nothing." to quote another artist and writer around here.
What a fuckin' relief!
But... my point is this: And it only ever was this.
Every great spiritual practice, program of recovery or attempt at authentic personal growth... insists on "truth" being the first and foremost principle of all Action.
And see what "miracles" (if you will) transpire when you speak and walk your truth.
You can't "fake this 'til you make it."
It almost makes me believe that there is some kind of "divine" consciousness or energy that aligns, somehow.
Because this isn't the first time this type of situation has occurred for me when I've stood strong in my absolute truth. Every time I've done this, weird and wonderful experiences have unfolded that have resulted in progress that has been both exponential and, even by some medical doctors mutual consensus... impossible.
So yeah...
I don't believe in miracles either. But, apparently, some have occurred here according to mainstream perspective. 😉
Did I lose people, clients, stuff?
Yes. I lost most of it.
Did I receive what I was actually "seeking" / my main motivation?
Freedom from addictive behaviours and mental health struggles.
Absolutely and more than I thought was possible.
And I received this "freedom" on a far larger scale than my initial liddle wonderings wondered.
Did I make it happen intentionally?
Fuck no!
We've all been programmed, since we were kids, to be socially acceptable and polite. Not to be truthful. I wasn't any different. I was only driven to step up because of...
well love, really.
And boy did I love that man.
Also. Fuck you Gulam. You idiot. I told you I loved you more. 😆
And now everybody knows this too. I can move on now. I can move on knowing that the truth has been revealed. With a clear conscience because I only told the truth and nothing but the truth. And no fear either then, you see.
This is authentic freedom. And peace.
You won't find it any other way, you know. 💜
So what if I told you that brutal honesty is the only way to find permanent recovery and peace. From everything. Would it be worth losing a client or two?
Well... this is personal preference and there's no judgement at all from me.
We all have freedom of choice.
But... how free are you to choose when your choices are dictated by fear of consequences?
And... are the short term consequences worth avoiding... if you avoid the long term gain permanently?
I spoke my truth. Again recently. In a situation I didn't create. Again.
I chose truth.
And the outcome was...
an entire social circle who have not believed me, nor taken the time to even ask because the truth was too uncomfortable to address for their short term gain...
now clearly see the truth.
Five years of trying to show them and some immature addict, who shares personal information because he's threatened, accidentally does it for me.
The Accidental Theory.
Has worked for me again.
But, as Master Oogway said, "There are no accidents."
Perhaps there aren't.
But... only if we all speak and move towards truth... is this true.
Some really smart people suggest that there is only one Natural, Universal Law. And that everything will realign to protect this particular Natural "Law".
I bet you can guess, by now, what it is?
I tried it.
And this is why this is no longer a hypotheses. For me anyway.
But, of course, you'd have to try it for yourself to see if it is "True" for you.
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee