Hey everyone, I'm back with another blog! I hope you guys had a good holy week or just a good week for those who don't celebrate hehe. But I'm here to talk about me, myself and I. If you watch Avatar The Last Airbender or The Legend Of Korra, you might get the reference I had in my title hehehe.
Most parts of my life, I've never really been alone. I have my family and friends, so everything is okay with me right? As much as I am grateful for my family and friends, I still feel lonely from time to time.
a picture I took for that person
Last year, I went through something unimaginable to my younger self. I lost someone who meant the world to me. That person was my best friend, partner, and someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. No, they didn't pass away or anything like that. I just lost that person the way a lot of people lose their loved ones. I'm aware I was a bit too young (I still am), but I genuinely loved that person.
I will not be posting any photos of me and that person for privacy reasons btw hehe
Let's go back to the beginning, shall we? Best friends, that's what we were back then. We were so close, two peas in a pod we were. We were bound by our similar interests at first, including our love for cartoons, anime, and the songs that we listened to. We exchanged recommendations for our interests as well. Those interactions were the reasons why I became that person's friend. Our conversations grew from once a week to almost every day. But as we grew closer, we learned more about each other.
younger me talking with that person lolz
They told me about the way they viewed life and the world, and I was totally interested. I was curious about everything that person had discussed with me. I wanted to know their every thought and feeling. I fell for the way they held a high regard for their friends and family. I loved the way they loved their pets. I loved the excitement and passion they had in their voice when they talked about the things they loved. After 2 plus years of friendship, I finally had the guts to confess my romantic feelings for that person, that person actually felt the same way I did.
It was all sunshine and rainbows for a long while, around a year or so. I even learned how to crochet and do origami because I wanted to give them homemade gifts. However, things changed, and the dynamics of our relationship were changing in the worst way possible for sure. We were fighting almost every day, and breaking up nearly every month.
Let's say that we both were not mature enough to deal with the things we had to deal with back then. It wasn't anyone's fault Now that I look back at it, it isn't surprising that things ended up the way they did. To sum it up, we had different attachment styles. I had an anxious attachment style and they had an avoidant attachment style (feel free to search the meaning of those terms hehe). We just weren't that compatible. We eventually broke up and it was all for the better.
I felt free but also burdened at the same time. I was glad that all that fighting was over for good, yet I also questioned the integrity of that relationship. That kind of curiosity sent my mind into a never-ending spiral. I tried recalling the meaning of love, but I was so numb with anger that I could not find the means to look for love.
Spending all that time alone after being with someone for years (the years of friendship included), I realized that I didn't know how to be alone with myself for long periods. When the breakup was fresh and new, I often longed for that person's company. I was asking all kinds of W and H questions, I was crying, and I was writing poetry like a mad woman. (most of the poems were deleted btw lol)
What's worse is that the first day of school was coming up the next month, and I was scared out of my mind. I was going to a new school, and my classmates were also new. I wondered: "How in the world am I supposed to make it out of this school year alive?" My trust issues were as high as the heavens above by that point.
On the first day of school, I played it cool and minded my business. If you know me in real life, you'd say that I'm the opposite of cool when it comes to talking. I'm a yapper by heart. I was closed off and didn't hold eye contact with anyone but my teacher lol. That didn't last long if I'm being honest. @rainebow0407 can actually attest to that statement WHAHAHAHAH.
When I first met @rainebow0407, I surprised myself by making small talk, and it turned out that we had a mutual friend that we both love very much. Even with that, I still felt lonely and sad, but that was a big step. My heart was also so clouded by all that anger I had gathered. I was only waiting and looking for a way for it to dissipate.
In my journey of being alone, I found people who truly care for me. I'd love to talk about them now, but they are the reason why I don't feel alone anymore so I'll be making a separate blog on them very soon.
Thank you for reading my blog all the way down here my dear Hivers! I am truly thankful for all the support. Until next time, I'll see you guys in the next one!