“I wish I knew, when I was 21!”
I know it now and I see how much struggle and pain I could have spared myself if I could have only known a little earlier.
“If I could have only known since the beginning.”
And then I have a conversation with someone twice or three times my age, and they all tell me how it just never stops, that even at seventy years old there is still so much to learn and figure out.
“What, this never stops?”
Besides, I start to notice myself. That this is a never ending process. As I remember myself at 15, when I thought I knew it all. Meanwhile I don’t want to deny myself the things I did know back then, I went through many more cycles since. No, this never stops.
Reassuring and exhausting.
Some of my conversation partners gift me with the little comfort, of how awesome it is I already get it at my age, and how many more years it took them to notice or understand that specific thing.
“What a relive. So I am actually moving forward.”
Just for a moment I start to feel like I am not too late but actually on time. Maybe even a little early, with five minutes to spare.
In the bad moments I compare myself to the ones that seem to have it all at 23 and in the other deconstructive moments to the ones who don’t seem to get anything at 45.
Meanwhile in the best moments I know, that I have it all in just that exact moment. I have all my experiences, no one can take away from me. I have all these lessons forever learned, some of which I had to fight hard for, others have nearly drowned me, a few flew into my arms and some came easy without much resistance at all. And there will be many more to come of each category.
All I lived and thought, made me who I am. Everything I realise now, I only do because I didn’t know when I was 21. And everything I get now, I don’t have to figure out when I will be 45.
It feels like wanting to catch a train of which you don’t know when and where it will arrive. Sometimes you run, because you feel like you’ll miss it. Other times you take your time to smell the flowers on the way. It can happen that something gets you off the way. You reach the wrong train station just to notice it was going to be a horse that would pick you up.
Unpredictable and exciting.
Yet all of it has it’s priceless value, the inconvenience of reflection. Not in a second I would trade any of it for the comfort of ignorance.
“Never too late.”
Thank you for passing by, and thank you for all your shared thoughts, experiences and comments, I truly appreciate that exchange! Enjoy the rest of your week!
All photos and words are owned by ©kesityu taken and written by myself.