We all have one. When bathed in sunlight, you can look down and see it carved from the brightness onto the ground below you. Aside from the shadow cast by your physical body, it is also theorized that our conscious mind casts a shadow into our unconscious mind. A Shadow full of all the stuff we don't want to or just can't bring ourselves to deal with.
I'm going to spare you the theory here. A quick Google search of shadow work and Carl Jung will point you in the right direction. But honestly, I've been swamped by it.
In my last mental health post, I was nervous because I was waiting for my first book and my first customer, but now I'm totally overwhelmed. I've been swinging between "Oh my gosh I'm awesome and I've totally got this," to "What the actual fuck was I thinking, I have no idea what I'm doing, let me crawl into this hole and die."
The irony is not lost on me that the book I am writing is all about dealing with feelings of insecurity and a heck of a lot about imposter syndrome. The work is heavy. And it's hard not to get personally involved.
I did some EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming: a type of psychotherapy used to treat PTSD and strongly linked to shadow work) last year and was both thrilled and terrified by the process and its results. Just like all these therapies though, it must be emphasised that the process should always be guided by a trained professional and you should warn your loved ones, especially your spouse or your closest family member/ friend if you decide to embark on any of these psychotherapy journeys.
I did so when I started EMDR when my dad died last year and I lost my job and so much else happened. It was incredibly effective in allowing me to bring traumatic core memories to the surface, hold them in my mind, and then reprocess them in such a way that when I think about them, they don't elicit the same overwhelming stress response that they used to. They don't control me anymore.
Warning @zakludick meant that we were ready when the nightmares came and went and when things triggered me seemingly out of the blue during the 16-week process.
When I landed this book, it never occurred to me to speak to Zak or even prepare myself for the same thing to happen all over again, because I'm just writing about the subject, right? I'm just doing the research. Apparently, it DOES NOT work that way.
I have a lot lurking around in my own shadow and so much to process. I'd be completely lying if I said I was in a good space right now. I'm really not. While I'm thrilled that I've found a way to earn an income that I am also passionate about, I am feeling retraumatized every day.
I feel like I'm drowning and on top of all these overwhelming emotions, I have a deadline to worry about. I can't help but think I made a massive mistake by accepting this project, but at the same time, I needed to push myself and take a leap of faith... but how far is too far? At what point is it ok to say that I'm not coping?
I know that this will not last forever, and this book will come to and end, but I feel like I am snapping at the kids, turning myself inside out, picking fights, and generally doing this without the education or the psychological help I need to get through it. I'm exhausted.
I'm so immensely grateful that I got a chance to have a change of scenery last weekend as I house-sat for a friend (their home is really beautiful and I had some furbabies to look after). It was over too soon though and all the stress came flooding back.
I have lost all motivation to sing, compose, or write music. I took my guitar with me but it's so difficult to not be consumed by sadness every time I pick it up as I think about my dad and how he spent the last few years of his life yearning to play but unable to due to his paralysis. You'd think that would be inspiring me to play, but right now, it really isn't. It did last year, but right now? I just feel totally hopeless and overwhelmed.
I've been researching and writing non-stop for 12 hours every day for two weeks now and I'm just finished. I really should have paid more attention to what was required, but really, considering how little experience I have, there was no way of knowing how deep the rabbit hole would go or how enormous the resources would be, or how many extra things would be thrown at me.
I think I am going to make it, but tonight, I'm taking a break. I was so tired this afternoon that I slept for four hours. I've reached my limit and deadline or not, I have to know when my cup is empty.
Tomorrow morning I will wake up, probably gripped by my familiar morning panic attack. I've made myself this little shrine next to my bed so I wake up with the faces of the people I love looking back at me.
I want to get one of those adult coloring-in books with positive affirmations so I can put them up around the room. I am trying mindfulness meditation, medication, and relaxing music, but it's all just feeling like... too much.
Let's hope that tonight I fall asleep peacefully in my man's arms. That I sleep right through the night and that I am able to work well tomorrow because tonight? Tonight is for me.
Lexi looking like I feel