― N.H. Kleinbaum, Dead Poets Society
To woo or not, words have some characters to play. Probably the best character words play to anyone is saving him from dozing off in life— clearing mind through writing; travelling down memory lane. Or even evoking visions, uttering philosophical shits. For me, I’ve always fancied words that speak volumes rather than shrinking the context. And I’ve noticed it possesses me only when I’m extremely happy or devastatingly sad.
Last few days I’ve been struggling with words, typing, deleting, typing again— but couldn’t manage to come up with something. Happens often. Especially when I’m occupied with nothing, literally nothing at all. For some health issues, I’ve been grounded for several weeks. Tossing on the bed is what I am assigned to now, so, plenty of time to indulge in thoughts and flow in the realm of words.
Yet, my mind is blank, nada. I hate this. Guess I’m in a neutral zone right now, not overwhelmingly happy, or deadly disappointed.
But before my time off from work, I thought, yeah, lots of time to do this, do that— in reality, I accomplished nothing but developing back pain sitting all day and scrolling through Facebook’s annoyingly algorithmic world; suggesting everything it can as the algorithm has no idea what I’m up to— perks of not using this for infinity. But sometimes it gets interesting, when I look back on my activities 10 years from now.
Quite a philosopher I was, lol. Still I am.
Thing is, now a handful of my friends are privileged enough to experience them— poor fellows, I should stop torturing them with my bullshits. Or, should I keep going, as they say, I talk less than most people they’ve come across. Yes, I do have more of a silent persona, proud of it. But sometimes it comes with great costs. I don’t belong to my relative’s favourite side, well, not that they hate me but I don’t have much presence in their memories. Lack of communication, unwillingness to speak volumes have created a vast gap that I don’t have any intention to overcome.
They don’t mind though— perhaps, I don’t bother to be honest.
On the negative side, it’s not fair to let the gap get wider. A few words every few weeks, it doesn’t hurt at all. Doable. Besides, strengthening bondings between dear ones, even just by exchanging words, it’s something that we all should do. This is what makes us human; a social being.
Truth is, I have realised this long ago, it takes a no-brainer to get that to be honest, still, I don’t see myself anywhere there. On top, sometimes I ignore phone calls if I don’t feel like talking at that moment. This is disrespectful, I know but I can’t figure out why this happens to me. Am I being more of a caveman day by day— less social interaction, only when I need it? Or, it’s a common psychological attribute?
Ⓒ mine