Smallsteps is unfortunately a lot like me - thoughtful.

I am not talking about being someone who thinks of others, or gives people what they need at the time, although she does both of those things. I mean, she is full of thoughts. This doesn't seem to be a problem for most people, but for some of us, it means that the head is always whirring, always calculating and this can lead to issues, if unable to process and let go, move on, shift perspective.

She and I are always having a lot of great discussions, but we also both have our moments where we are tired, frustrated, hungry, disappointed or just feeling down - and we can be grumpy, stubborn, rude. So, to deal with this we made a deal, that either of us can ask the other to count to five and review our behavior, stating a change that we will make at that moment for the better.

Seems to work.

Today though, we were talking about "bad thoughts" and how she doesn't want to talk about them. Like most people, she is trying to avoid thinking about anything that is uncomfortable. But, as most of us should know, avoiding talking about it doesn't make them go away and if anything, it just makes them worse, because the imagination runs rampant, turning them into monsters. And thoughts can be turned into actions.

Am I okay?

There are campaigns around suicide prevention to ask those we think might be suffering mentally, "Are you okay?". However, I think that it would be wise to also learn to ask that of ourselves at a practical level, because for the most part, we will find that we are okay. I am not saying that we are happy, nor even content, and we could be in pain, hungry or heavily in debt - but still we are okay.

I believe that while we have become more complex in our mental and emotional systems, we are still heavily guided by our reptilian brain, which processes pleasure and fear. It both keeps us safe, it keeps us taking risks. However, because of the additional conditions, rather than just keeping us physically safe, it is also getting applied to things that we consider "us" but aren't actually physical, like our assumed identity. And this causes problems.

Because the imagination that makes us so creative and innovative, can also overpower our logic and make us act in ways we might not want, or respond to the thoughts as if they are real, even though logic tells us different. A horror movie scares the audience, as will a child imagining there is a monster under the bed.

We are the audience to our own mind.

But, when we are feeling terrible and the bad thoughts are making home, if we were to count to five and then ask the question "Are we okay?" the answer will almost always be yes. We might be angry, sad, depressed, or anxious, but in all likelihood, our life isn't under immediate threat. And, if it is, we wouldn't have the time to stop and reflect on our surroundings and personal condition anyway.

In my opinion, this is probably the simplest tool we can use for personal control and to combat negative emotional response, because just taking those five or ten seconds is enough time to step outside of the situation, and get some perspective. It can break the connection between emotional state and disrupt lizard brain response signals for just long enough that we are able to catch ourselves, calm ourselves, and redirect ourselves.

Where we go from there is up to us.

And this is the problem for the people who have chosen not to learn any emotional control, because their responses are not up to them at all. Instead, they are just reactions to whatever thoughts are playing on the screen of the mind, and often what is showing is a horror movie, with bad actors and poorly scripted plots, but with a lot of gratuitous gore.

Emotional control isn't repression, but rather the opposite. It is the ability to be aware of thoughts and feelings enough to also be able to slow down the time between feeling and action. And then, in that time be able to choose the reaction based on validity, not instinct. In time of course, the instinct itself gets trained to recognize patterns and deliver improved response, because it has experience built on understanding.

Kids these days have lots of issues to deal with and it looks like they are going to be facing even more. But, instead of sending them to psychologists and medicating them, we should be helping them get the experience of how to reflect and evaluate themselves, and helping them understand that no thought can be harmful, until it is translated into an action.

When we acting without that gap, a lot of harm can be done.

I'm Okay.

Taraz
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