Ever seen Almost Live?
It may be before your time or from an area far far away but go back to the 1990s and there were a comedy show from Seattle called "Almost Live". Never heard of it? Perhaps you have heard of Bill Nye the Science Guy. That's where he started.
Anyways, in the show they had a number of humorous sketches. "The John Report" (Hi, I'm Jon and this is my report). "Mind your manners with Billy Kwon". The "High Fivin' White Guys" and many more. However, one of my favorites was "The worst girlfriend in the world".
Image source Youtube
Now I highlight this one because Hive Learners wanted conversations about "toxic relationships" and that 3 minute clip sums it up really quickly.
People get into relationships because they want something. If that need is met they stay in the relationship. As long as what they get is worth the price they tend to stay in it. In the sketch its the same line over and over again.... something horrible happens.....but the sex was really good!
Of course the need isn't always about sex. With a boss it can be about the monthly pay you need for bills. With your car it can be the transportation to and from work, school, groceries and so on. With friends it can be to overcome lonliness, be part of a better social circle, or for influence and power. In pretty much every situation there is something gained and the toxic part of the relationship is the cost you pay.
But why stay when the price is more than the benefit?
There is a song I really enjoyed from the 1990s. "Piece of shit car" by Adam Sandler. Click here for the audio
Quick quote
You're too high for drive through ...and you smell like tissue ......but I'm too broke to buy something new
This is something that doesn't work.
Complaining about the problem.
Sure people can complain about their marriage, their job, their car or any number of other things. However complaining does only one thing. It makes you feel worse. It doesn't make things get better. It doesn't accomplish anything beneficial. It certainly doesn't change things.
So, what are the three things that actually DO something. Well, I'm sure there are a lot more to it than this but I'll sum it up:
- Learn to do the best with what you have
- Fix what you have
- Move on
But so many people suffer from a few different issues. Perhaps they believe they can't do any better so they settle. Perhaps they have low self esteem and figure this crap is all they are worth. Sometimes they feel trapped because of duty or obligation. Sometimes they are made to feel worthless by one party. Often times they stay because of fear. I suppose they figure it is better to stick with the bad situation they know rather than risk a scary unknown in the future. Then they may feel the need to defend themselves if people call them out for wanting to stay in a less than optimal situation.
However, I'm going to advocate for taking action when things go bad.
Good advice from a bad boss
Now a long time ago I had a boss who really wasn't a very good boss. He had a short temper and had a habit of berating people and throwing things. He certainly wasn't my favorite person and I'm glad he moved on. I of course had big student loans and no way to support myself if I left my job so I stayed.
However, he did have one piece of advice that stuck with me over the years. "Always remember, if you don't need the paycheque your employer has no hold over you". That was important advice. By attaining financial security I could always say NO to a bad employer or bad boss and know that they had no hold over me. The same things go for relationships. If you learn to be fine on your own you can leave a bad relationship at any time and know you will still be fine. If you know you can walk, take a bike or ride transit...you will never be stuck with a car you don't like.
I have taken that advice to heart and know that at any time I can just walk away and start again. Which brings me back to the three pieces of action that can be taken when a relationship is broken.
- Make the most of your current situation
- Fix your current situation
- Move on.
Knowing how to stay free and being able to use item #3 is so valuable.
But lets take a look at each one a little deeper.
Fix what you have
Now I've been married for over 25 years. One thing is for sure, no marriage works without both sides working on it. Over that time there have been many things that have been far less then perfect. Sure there were many times that I just wanted to walk away, I would be lying if there weren't. However, I did give a vow that "for better or for worse" I was going to stick with it. So, what did I do? I did everything I could to fix what was broken. You know what? A lot of times it worked.
But certainly not always.....
Learn to do the best you can with what you have.
For those things I could not fix I took a look at what I did have vs what I didn't. Focusing on the positive gave me a lot better view of what I truly had rather than focusing on the negative. Sure I could focus on the prickly words that my wife resorts to when she is angry or I can let it slide knowing I'm just weathering the storm. Instead on focusing on how hard she works for the family and how much she truly cares for everyone in it (including me) and know that it is just her temper getting the worst of it.
But that doesn't mean I haven't contemplated the third option
Moving on
That is always something on the table. It is my "It is always an option and choosing it does not mean I've failed" it means that I simply couldn't go on. Knowing it is there means I never feel trapped but I always hold on and try the first two options first because that is just generally the better choice with a marriage.
However, for most other things in life its important to never ignore the "sunk cost fallacy".
In for a penny, in for a pound
So many times in life people just hold on because they have put so much into something.
With my son's first car he paid a lot of money for it. Then he paid a lot to get the tires and other things upgraded. Then he needed to spend a lot of money for a differential. After all that money when other expenses came he felt like he had to keep paying them.
Why?
Because he put so much money in and if he didn't keep going all the original money would be lost.
The same thing happens with relationships. Sometimes people invest so much time and energy into a relationship they think they have to keep going to see an eventual return on their investment.
However, some cars and some people are just bad investments. They will just keep taking and taking and it will never be enough.
So, sometimes its better to take the loss and move on rather than get continually drained. Sad but true.
Quick take on a long topic.
Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg. Books have been written on this topic so I'm just giving the quick overview.
Thanks for taking a look...
And as always I really appreciate feedback.