A while back somebody asked me why it feels like it actually annoys me to be doing things.
This was a friend who'd been observing me doing some tasks not only around the house but also out and about. and I seemed to have an "annoyed air about me," as I rather busily went about trying to get all these things done in a rather constrained amount of time.
Rather than simply getting annoyed with their inquiry, I paused and considered the question for a bit.
Do I really not like doing things? Does it annoy me to be busy? What's going on here?
Like most things in life, there's not a simple and straightforward answer here. However, as I started unpacking these thoughts and feelings, I also started to understand their perception of what I was experiencing... and showing the world, outwardly. And a couple of things became evident.
First off, what I do have a profound dislike of is the feeling of obligation. That has been true of me ever since I was probably a teenager, maybe even before. I hate feeling obligated to do things, particularly when they involve doing things I really don't care to be doing. And so, that often shows up as annoyance while I am engaged in those things.
But that's only a relatively modest part of the picture.
On a greater scale, what annoys me is not the actual doing of things, but the fact that I so often have to rush while I'm doing them... because if I don't rush I can't get as many things done as have been shoved onto my plate. And that, friends, is simply a biproduct of Modern Life as we experience it these days, at least in most cases for most people.
I have often written about the case for slowing down, and for simplifying, and for having fewer things on your plate as a path to feeling better about life. The way my particular mind and soul seems to be wired means that I find it very difficult to enjoy something if I have to hurry. And I do a lot of things that I'm hurrying at and I'm not enjoying myself!
So perhaps what annoys me is living a life that feels like an endless series of tasks that must be executed — some of which feel like obligations — and they must be executed in a long string of back-to-back events that have no breaks or pauses in between.
Which is not to say that I'm a lazy person — a claim I used to make as a result of comparing myself to life's Energizer bunnies — I'm just a person who likes to do things consciously and deliberately.
In fact I would venture so far as to say that it makes me feel a little bit on edge and anxious to be around people who are excessively on the go, almost like being in the room where somebody lets the air out of a large balloon and it flies randomly and somewhat destructively around the room until all the air is gone.
Slow down! Take your time!
Of course, there's always a reason for everything, and I suspect some of my aversion stems from the fact that I had a mother and subsequently a couple of relationships with people who seemed to use their excessive energy and involvement in absolutely everything as a way to mask and avoid having to look at their actual underlying issues which were often painfully obvious to those around them. Including me.
These were some of the people who suffered from depression during Covid lockdowns because they couldn't run around the world at their usual frenetic speed... and instead were trapped at home with nothing but their own thoughts for company.
Anyway... obligations and rushing are definitely not my friends!
Thanks for stopping by, and have a great Easter Weekend!
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Created at 2024-03-30 01:58 PDT
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