Konnichiwa everyone! Are you all daijobu Hivers? Well, it's me, your one and only ridgette, again sharing my new blog. For today, I'm going to share with you all my commemorative blog to celebrate my first year of battling with lupus. It was certainly not an easy journey, yet it was filled with lessons that I'm thankful that I've learned. So now I invite you all to join me by reading my journey retell. Are you all up?
Then, let's start.
The Aftermath
A year ago today, I was diagnosed with lupus. It was really horrible news for me because I know it will possibly hinder me from achieving my plans and dreams. The first months after I was diagnosed were the hardest months of my life. It was hellish, for I really felt that I was a great burden to my family at that time. Even though I was discharged from the hospital, I still need to undergo a lot of medications and cycles of chemotherapy, and I know our money was exhausted during my confinement in the hospital, so we're literally penniless. Further, we have no emergency funds, so my mother did everything to look for money.
She had to practically beg different people to fund my medicines and chemotherapy. Some understand our situation and lend my mother money, while others do not. Some lend my mother money begrudgingly while insulting her harshly, but she has endured them all for my sake. I don't understand why they need to insult my mother, and I hate them for that. Until now, I couldn't let go of what they did to my mother, especially those who insulted her publicly. I can't imagine myself forgiving them because I really loathe them. I know it's not good to hate other people, but I can't just forgive them now (or even for my whole life time—ha).
Those people added to my emotional distress at that time. I was gradually falling into a continuous phase of sadness because I knew I'm a burden. Even though they didn't say it to me, I know I am. I mean, it should have been only me who should be suffering because it's supposed to be my own problem, but it turns out I dragged them with me. That time I felt really worthless, and gradually I found myself drifting away from Him. There are times that I can't cry anymore because all I felt was emptiness, but later on, news reached me—news that would wake me up from the slumbers of despair.
The Wake Up Call
The moment I knew of her death, I realized a lot of things. If you're wondering who died, it's ate Janet's mother (which I featured in my previous blog). Her death made me realize the importance of my life, how lucky I am to survive, and that I should not waste my time moping about the things that changed and I can't have anymore. Also, I realized that I should focus on the present and future, and that entails that I should stop minding those people I hate. I've pondered that letting them affect me is like acknowledging them in my life and letting them control me.
That realization was clearly awful because I didn't want them in my life in the first place. So I tried to cope with my sadness by diverting my focus on other things. I tried to understand more about my condition, I spent time enriching the skills that I almost forgot I had, and sometimes I talked to my family. Of 'course, there are thoughts that I can't talk with, so I decided to write them. Writing became my outlet to express my unsaid thoughts and feelings. I also allotted some time alone to think quietly, reflect, and talk to Him. Fortunately, I was able to get through those dark days, and it's all thanks to the realizations and important people that kept me grounded.
The Monthly Ordeals
Checkups were my monthly ordeal, for I'm really nervous whenever there is another checkup. Aside from the collection of blood samples, which gets me nervous because it involves blood extraction (ouch), the result of the tests also gets me nervous. It determines if my condition is stabilizing or if there is something wrong (again) with my body so I really anticipate it. That's why, before I undergo laboratory testing, I usually prepare my body. By the way, our last checkup was a week ago, which was January 8, Friday. Before our checkup, we secured first our laboratory results because those were needed during the day of the checkup.
I woke up early last Friday so that I could prepare the things needed for the checkup. It was almost 7:00 am when we left our house, but we arrived way past 8:00 because of the tremendous traffic on our way to the hospital. There are really a lot of patients in the hospital that day because it's Friday, so we waited again for hours to be entertained. Before 1:00 pm, the doctor came, and I was quite nervous about how she would interpret the laboratory results. Fortunately, the results were fine; she just added medicine for my colds that time.
It's really a must that I avoid being extremely stressed out, but there are really inevitable times when it really gets me. You see, I have a lot of things to juggle, and some times I forget to allot time to care for myself. Luckily, I have a supportive family who always reminds me to look after my health, and I'm really thankful for that.
The Open Wall
Aside from ensuring that I'm physically healthy, I also monitor my emotional health. As I've mentioned earlier, there are things that I can't say to my family, so basically I just write them in my journal or I'll just create a literary piece (poems and haiku) to express them. Like an open-wall design that creates a feeling of spaciousness in a house, writing creates space in my mind. It lessens the mental and emotional burden that I had. So now I'll share some of the literary pieces that I have made to soothe my mind.
Disclaimer: I'm not really confident in how I usually make literary pieces, so if you find them sloppy, just feel free to skip them and leave them there.
She Cry
I gazed upon the eyes that caught my attention
Eyes that look lost in the depths of oblivion
Devoid of any wandering emotion
I touched her with caution
Afraid that she might break
But what's worse are all her smiles are fake
She smiled as if there are no storms inside her
She is in the situation that she did not prefer.
She keeps on trying
That pushed her to lying
Just to make it through the night
Her only option was to fight
Was the whole lie ruthless?
All she had done seemed pointless
As she fall to the endless despair
Was it just to her, or the whole world was unfair?
She plunged to the stark oblivion
But I do have the intention
Not to leave her alone in dejection
So with her I embraced the desolation
I stared above the livid sky
Slowly falling into the vast space of obscurity
Creeping in was a heavy feeling of animosity
Embracing her anguished soul, she cry
—gette
01
My gaze was fixed above the sky
Not wanting to ponder on my useless lie
Drifting away from the eyes that pry
My thoughts soaring high
—gette 101
02
I felt sad, I felt happy
My mood is quite sloppy
I'm not disappointed
More like of haunted
Of the nightmares that don't die
it's something I can't lie
—gette 102
03
Misfortunes came in my way
But it's part and completed my day
I just silently pray
That these negative feelings won't stay
—gette 103
04
Laying awake in the night
Head swimming with fright
Fear gripping so tight
But I'm ripping it with might
—gette 104
05
Walking through the rain
Masking all my pain
My pride keeping me sane
Happiness my final bane
—gette 105
(Note: If you're wondering why it's not ridgette that I wrote while writing those, gette is actually my nickname, basically the shortest version of my name, so I usually use it when I'm signing my journal and short pieces.)
Looking back on my whole year of experience battling with lupus, I can say it's really not easy. I was really challenged in many ways: financially, physically, mentally, emotionally, and most especially spiritually. Fortunately, I have people who support me unconditionally. They also believe in me, not only in exhibiting my strengths but also in overcoming my weaknesses as an individual. Further, I have Him giving me the circumstances and experiences that became my reasons why I chose not to give up. I believe that those hardships molded me into the person I am now because I am certain that there were indeed blessing behind the pains.