It's almost Christmas and Vera isn't as pumped as the rest of her friends. While everyone planned for the festive period and got their resolutions rolling for the coming year, Vera just hoped to survive with all the difficulties hanging on her neck. A once vibrant and happy girl who brings laughter as she goes is now a gloomy soul moving with dark clouds. Vera's life changed for the worse ever since her father passed and her mother was diagnosed with a weak heart.
The following day was several hours until Christmas and it began on a highly vigorating note. Sadly, Vera felt abstract which was unlikely because Christmas used to be one of her favourites. Regardless of how she felt, she still needed the celebration to be memorable for her mom.
Standing by the door post after the day's shopping, she tried really hard to mask up her emotions but she just couldn't. The more she spends, the deeper she falls into despair.
Having her shoulder slumped, with her head bowed, her gaze averted as she fidgeted. Moving slowly and lacking coordination, she swayed from side to side with her bags of groceries making her way to the kitchen without her mother spotting her.
The fact that Vera barely has enough to cover up her next semester tuition weighed heavily on her but she tried to bottle it and mask it with fake smiles. Deep down, she's aware that her mother knows she's drowning and that's the more reason she tries so hard to avoid coming in direct contact with her mom. Unfortunately, her mother Tessa just wouldn't let her be because at all times, she tries to hover around her and not give her any room to be lost in thoughts.
"You are back early Vera, did you get all these?" Vera's mother inquired, startling Vera. She walked into the Kitchen and leaned against the wall adjacent to the refrigerator, watching Vera as she emptied the bag of groceries on the kitchen Island.
Continuing in her activities without a break, Vera responded, "yes mom, I know how important Christmas is to you. So I had to make it happen". Still trying to avert her mother's gaze. Vera changed position to the kitchen sink with the bag of Oranges. At that moment, Tessa walked up to her and held her hands which restricted her from taking any more oranges out of the bag.
With so much concern, Tessa spoke. "Vera you can talk to me, I see you and I know you. You can pretend all you want but I know and I'm certain that you are not ok. So let it all out, if I don't know what's wrong, I can't help you."
"Even if you know mom, you can't help me. You are no longer in that position." Vera responded in a tone laced with anger
"Is that what you think?"
"It is what I know mom, you cannot help me."
"Ok then". Tessa turned to leave heartbroken, but tears held back. All she wanted to do at that moment was rush to her room to have a good cry. She never thought that a time would come where her daughter can no longer confide in her.
As she made her way out of the kitchen, Vera quickly realized how she has fucked up. She's trying to lighten the mood so her mother doesn't worsen it.
"Mom wait. I know that you are going to cry and I don't want that but it's just...." At that point, Vera couldn't hold up her emotions again. She felt a sudden heaviness which transcends to numbness causing her to feel dizzy. Her heart ached and a tingling sensation descended on her limbs. She felt a thickening in her throat as saliva built up in her mouth. With her eyes welled up in tears, Vera let it all out in words, tears and a burst of emotions.
"Life is too hard mom. Everything is just happening all at once and I feel helpless. To sleep is a problem, am I such a terrible person that peace evades me mom? I go to church and I pay my tithe but why is life so hard on me? Why can't I have it easy like everyone else?
You know, I'm starting to think that there's a favourite in this thing called life because look at my friend Foke. She doesn't even go to church, doesn't pray as much as I do, rarely pays her tithe or do anything for God, yet she has life like a bed of roses.
How do I make the most of this coming year with your heart problem getting worse? How do I afford your surgery and school at the same time?. I work so hard but my earnings are never commensurate with all the financial problems we are having.
Already mom, I'm at the verge of being rusticated for bad grades and low attendance but what can I do? I need to work thrice as hard for your medications to sustain you, I need to foot our bills else we become destitutes.
Every new year it's been the same resolution, to build wealth, improve on my grades and be happy but mom I can't. No matter how hard I try, I just can't. You see why I said that you can't help me? You are clearly in no position to work mom. You cannot earn."
Vera breathed heavily as it felt like a heavy weight had just been lifted off her shoulders. She had expected her mother to cry with all that she had said to her but instead of tears, she got a really tight and warm hug.
Hugging her mother back and resting her head on her mother's shoulder, her hair was stroked as she got a soft hush and a reassurance from her mother that everything is going to be ok. Despite not knowing how Vera felt mentally boosted, she heaved a sigh of relief and for the first time in a long while, she genuinely smiled.