I know this may sound cliché to you, but it is just a fact that will keep being used over and again because for real, life is indeed UNFAIR.
Why will I be the one wronged, yet bear the brunt of the hurt? In fact, this hurts more than the actual offense to start with, and it makes me mad.
The fact that I was deceived into trusting her with my life, yet she chose to go after one thing… my life. She was supposed to be my friend, but what I didn’t know was that she was with me pretending to be a friend all along just because I look so easy to be ‘used’.
She used my brain to grow her business, one thing that I wholeheartedly did because she was my friend after all, but because I looked so gullible to her, she said a lot of negatives about me to a close friend. Well, I couldn’t blame her because she did that basically because she liked my friend, and maybe thought she found another person to be used, so, she got all talky around her, and talked so much that she forgot to hold back her ill-thought about me to herself. I’m not a person to confront people, but I did confront her, and she pleaded guilty and sorry.
It’s okay was all I said, but was it really okay? Nope. It wasn’t.
I was hurt deeply, and I vowed to never let her get close to me anymore even though I had forgiven her, so I kept my distance, however, it felt like torture.
Every time the thought of her crossed my mind, the first thing that happened was a gush of anger, and dislike that was gradually growing into hatred. She deserved it because that was all she showed me, or so I thought but I was wrong. My mind, my body, and my brain all said I was wrong. Why don’t you just forgive her and maybe give another chance? She is human after all. I didn’t dispute that, but why should I suffer for what she did? She should be the one to feel the migraine resulting from the distance, not me. The friendship chapter was closed between us, and I really wanted to have nothing to do with her anymore, but my conscience thought otherwise. It kept chanting ‘forgiveness’. Of course, I had forgiven her. I just didn’t want to have a thing to do with her anymore, but my mind wanted more. It kept saying I hadn’t. if I had, the anger, and the dislike I felt for her wouldn’t be that strong, and I wouldn’t feel that much hurt anymore.
I understood what my mind said, but to me, she is not worth my trust anymore. I mean, if a 3 year relationship meant nothing to her, why should I try again? She was the least expected person I would’ve thought would do that. Of course, I’ve had many other people do the same, but hers particularly pained me because we went through all those times, I was hurting due to the hurt caused by others together, and she knew how hard I tried to not be concerned.
I was deeply hurt, that I swore never to have anything to do with her again, but my heart says otherwise. It said that I shouldn’t taint my heart with hatred. But why should my heart be the one tainted and not hers? Life is indeed just very unfair! because I think not everyone deserves to be forgiven to an extent that you’ll bring them close to you again. But here I am, feeling all the guilt because I chose to keep my distance.
Maybe not all of us have the heart to hold grudges after all.
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