I wish I were a superhero, particularly with the power to induce and take away emotions. I wish I were a superhero, so that I’d have the power to take away hurt.
Let me speak a bit on how I’ve been the last few weeks. I’ve had my exams hanging on my neck for months now as it’s been postponed time and time again. Who would believe that I’ve been in school since October, and still have not written my first semester exams? Unbelievable.
But who am I kidding? I think God loves me, cause He knows that I am not ready. And this is His way – by way of this final postponement – of giving me a final chance to be properly prepared for this exams which will begin a new chapter for me, whether I’m prepared for this chapter or not.
A lot has been happening and the stakes are high. I’ve hardly had the will power to do anything more than study, study and after studying, study again. Whether it’s to post or engage, or do the least thing as reply to my own comments, I’ve lacked the willpower.
It’s like a part of me feels drained just being here, and I don’t know how to help it. It’s funny because, at the moment, ninety-eight percent of my sustenance comes from being here, and I know that not posting means I’m limiting my chances of financial sustenance because I’m not earning. Yet, even that has not been enough to muster my willpower to be here.
I have been occupied with that and also with some other programmes I hope may provide benefits for me in the future. There’s this yearning and sometimes this frustration I feel, but I’ve not been able to fully process it, so I can’t identify what it is, let alone how to help myself. But, it’s been good trying to make the most of each day.
I say it a lot that my life feels like a movie sometimes. There’s always a lot of excitement, @deraaa loves listening to me talk about them because she has her chance to live vicariously through me. I do enjoy telling her about things, but a few times I wonder if I’m not getting too invested in the plot.
One thing about me, I will take full responsibility for whatever benefits or consequences my actions bring. It’s my way of enjoying the moment. Knowing that I signed up for this, so I’m set to live it to the fullest. Yeah, movie-like life where I set the tone, the characters, the plot sequence myself and enjoy being both the director and the audience. At least in some aspects of my life.
Moving on, because I know I am rambling, and this may just be a side effect of being away from here too long (jumbled thoughts). Something happened this evening, and this is what brought about my title and first paragraph. I was returning to my hostel from where I’d spent most of my day and I got into a vehicle that was en route for school. Soon enough, another lady joined in. She had a little girl of about two with her and seemed to be pregnant again. I greeted her and when she barely mumbled a response, I turned my attention away from her.
A little while later, and she burst into tears. She cried deep tears that I knew came from a place of deep-rooted pain. I looked at her and noticed that her eyes were swollen, so she’d obviously been crying before now. She mumbled to the Taxi driver when asked and we got to know that her sister died earlier that morning. The lady kept mumbling “Just like that,” at intervals. Sometimes, she’d start laughing to herself. I’ve felt so shocked and dejected once that I started laughing, so it felt all too familiar to me. I thought she would go crazy right there. Her little daughter kept reaching up to wipe her tears.
Loss.
What emotion can be compared to it? Loss is something that envelopes your being like no other. And watching that lady clutch her chest like she was being actively stabbed and weep like that while I rubbed the goosebumps that had materialized on my arms and fight not to cry myself, I thought. “Isn’t there a way to take away this lady’s pain? Isn’t there a way to permanently wipe these tears from her eyes and stop her from feeling that bitter emotion that is loss? Isn’t there a way?
Anyway, I got back to the hostel and I’ve been trying to relax despite how mentally and emotionally fatigued today has been, yet the question still chants like a mantra in my head. Could I be a superhero one day so I can take away people’s hurt and pain? Make sure that no one feels that burning stream that is loss. How lovely would that be for all of us?
I guess I’ll stop here. There’s only so much one can say, right?
Jhymi🖤
Image created with
