So I set myself a goal that I wanted to get my degree in psychology by the time I reach 50. This goal has been moved time and time again, since my teens actually. I've always known that this is what I want to study. It's my dream vocation. I've always wanted to make a difference and understand human nature better, and find a way to use that understanding to improve the world around me by helping others who struggle with mental health issues.
When I lost my job last year (and was expecting my insurance to be nice and play along and pay me out like they're supposed to... which they still haven't done) I did some serious investigation into what it would take to start. How much money it would cost, how long could I stretch it out and how far do I really want to go? Of course, I'd like a doctorate, but at this point, a bachelor's or honors will do. If I can go further, I will. A wise man once told me that as soon as you decide to stop learning, you may as well just roll over and die. So who knows? I could be studying well into my 80s and beyond - or as long as my mind and spirit will allow.
I put it all on hold, yet again, as I dove head 1st into this Ghostwriting gig, and good heavens has it been a ride? I've never been so proud, terrified, challenged, and excited all at the same time.
And I passed my entrance exam/ assignment with flying colors. Considering I changed over (as much as possible) from British English to American English and had to learn all about citations and resources and academic papers all that codswallop without actually having ever studied at university, I'm pretty happy with how I've been doing so far, and I know I should pat myself on the back more than I do...
But I spiral, you know... it's a thing I do when I'm overwhelmed. I pile everything I'm overwhelmed about on top of me and then complain that I can't breathe. It's a toxic trait. It's self-sabotage. And what's terrible is I KNOW I'm doing it. I have to consciously fight through that imposte3r syndrome and not let myself get out of control with my anxiety, otherwise, nothing moves forward. What is that book called again? "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway?" Perhaps it's time I give that a read.
After passing my assignment, I was then given the ability to bid on projects that tickled my interest. As a newbie,
I didn't expect a response for weeks.... but it only took a few days for a client to zap me up.
I was THRILLED to start. The book is RIGHT up my alley and introduces Carl Jung, various methods of psychotherapy and basically everything that gets me excited about psychology. The book is designed to help other women like me deal with repressed emotions and trauma and all kinds of things. What a perfect match, right?
EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!
Cue MASSIVE imposter syndrome... sigh
I have felt completely like I am drowning in academia. I had to ask for an extension and I'm behind on my word count. BUT I am getting there. OF course, that's not enough for me. I want to be perfect right now, but I need to be patient with myself, and my client needs to be patient too. I'm new to writing as it is, never mind throwing in university-level psychology. I feel like I did when I wrote my high school diploma (Matric/ Grade 12) after missing 4 years of high school. I feel like I'm in way over my head.
I had to laugh at myself the other night when, after spending two days agonizing over an academic paper about Donald Trump and Shadow Work and Politics and totally getting my knickers in a knot about the whole thing. I stopped working to go enjoy hot dogs with the kids and then came back up to try to finish what I was doing. I didn't realize that when I washed my hands I missed my arm and managed to get a massive mustard stain on the page! Life, it seems is not without a sense of humour.
But every now and again I make incredible and profound progress and I need to be grateful, proud, and kind to myself. The more I pressure and freak myself out, the less I am able to work. I need to remember to put one foot in front of the other and remind myself that I am surrounded by the most phenomenal friends and family. @zakludick, thank you for putting up with me as I experiment with shadow work on myself. Thank you for all the dinners you make and tears you dry and the hugs you give. I love you so much and your support is beyond invaluable. @lex-zaiya, thank you for inspiring me. I look up to you so much and your guidance has been so incredibly helpful. I wouldn't have even dreamed of attempting this without you. and thank you to my beautiful children @matthew-williams @aimeludick and @merenludick for loving me, cuddling me, making me motivational posters, and making me endless cups of tea.
just as Dory would say you gotta just keep swimming <3
