My daughter and I was watching a cartoon the other day. There was a scene where the mom was shouting at the daughter and they were just having a misunderstanding. All of a sudden, my daughter blurted out "I don't really like parents like that. Always grumpy and never listens to their kid." I was taken aback. I did not know how to react at first. To which I reacted, "I am grumpy sometimes too." I was surprised at her answer, "Yeah, you are. But that's just sometimes. And you still hear me out even when you're angry, so you're fine. You're the best mom." I guess this is what I get when I am raising an honest, opinionated little woman. No, she's not used to rephrasing her opinions. Once you ask her, she'll give you her most honest thoughts.
It made me think about how I was parented. I grew up in the 90's. My parents were raised by parents who did not have in their dictionary the phrase "gentle parenting." And so, they raised me the way they were. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a sneak preview. If I did something wrong, my parents' initial reaction would be to punish me. I experienced kneeling on mungbeans or salt, kneeling while my arms are raised on either side, both carrying a heavy bible on the right and a dictionary on the left. There's no significance which book I was carrying, just that those were both heavy. I was hit with a belt, or a hanger, or a ladle, or pretty much anything that my mom reaches when she's angry at me. I grew up not knowing whether I should answer them when they asked me "Why did you do such a thing?!" because if I do voice out my concerns and it offended them, I would be accused of talking back to grownups.
All I understood when I was a child was that if I do good, there is a chance that I will be rewarded, if I do bad, there is 100% chance of a punishment. Good manners and right conduct were enforced with an iron-plated belt or a metal hanger. And if physical torture wasn't enough, when I grew up as a teenager, I heard lots of mental and emotional beating. I heard phrases like "You're just going to be a failure" or "You'll just get pregnant, there's no use in wasting time in your studies." And that's just breakfast.
I remember feeling so helpless and hopeless. When I was in my adolescence period, I drifted away from my parents. It was so odd when I was thinking about it. When I was a kid, I know I used to be like my daughter to my mom. I wouldn't want my mom to go anywhere without me, I cry when my father would leave for work, I was a clingy child. Then all of a sudden, I was this detached, angry, hormonal teenager. I know it did not happen suddenly. It's like the melting of an iceberg. It took all those years of physical, emotional, and mental torture.
When I had my kid, I put it in my head that all those generational trauma end with me. I am done being angry, I am done passing the blame. I made it a point that I will be an intentionally gentle parent to my daughter. My greatest fear is for her to drift apart from me when she grows up. I am training her to be independent, but I am also teaching her that no matter how far she goes, if she ends up lost, alone, confused, she can always come home to me. I want her to feel that I am her safe space.
But it is a challenge to be a gentle parent when you were raised in a hostile environment. I had to unlearn everything that was ingrained in my memory. And I had to learn new ways of dealing with my everyday emotions. Each time there is a conflict between me and my daughter, I have to consciously and intentionally watch my emotions and reactions. It's a tough feat breaking a cycle.
So what has helped me get to the point where my daughter feels safe to voice out her thoughts?
Breathe in and breathe out. Take a break from whatever it is that I and my daughter is disagreeing on. Our homeschooling journey isn't always cupcakes and rainbows. There are times when we are not on the same energy level, there are instances when we are not on the same page. So when I start feeling agitated, it is crucial that I catch that right away, and breathe.
Sometimes when taking deep breathes don't help, I have to remove myself physically from the space. I don't walk out though, I feel that will result with her feeling like I am abandoning her. I excuse myself, I let her know that I'm not feeling okay and that I need a break. Once I am able to compose myself, I know I can calmly talk to her without yelling.
Hug it out. Did you know that hugging is like a charger? When you are feeling so drained, sometimes all it takes is a hug from the person that you love to feel re-energized. I'm not sure if there's a scientific reason to that, but that's what it's like for me. It just so happened that it's the same thing for my kid.
Talk it out. And really listen to each other. I keep saying that children are born persons. So no matter what age they are, they deserve the respect and treatment of a full person. I talk to my daughter about how I felt when we disagree. And she emulates the same thing. As long as expressing our frustrations is done in a respectful and loving way, we are able to iron out our differences.
Do not forget to apologize when you are at the wrong. It helps make kids feel that they are seen and respected as a person. Most of the time, even when our kids are on the wrong, we also may have reacted the wrong way. Us parents feel like we should never show weakness to our kids, but apologizing and accepting that we do make mistakes shows them that you are also persons. It also shows an example to them to accept and admit it when they are wrong.
Take the time to relax and have fun. A stressed out parent is less likely to become a gentle parent. Sometimes, even when we don't want to, we snap at our children because we feel stressed out over other things. We are humans. We need a break from everything, including parenting. We love our little persons but we also should love ourselves. That way, we will be able to show them our love for them.
To be honest, I really have no idea how to do gentle parenting. I just know that punishments, while it somehow teaches discipline to children, it also builds a gap between the parent and the child. I now have good relationship with my mom, she's the only parent I have after all. But my childhood and adolescence years could have been so much better had I not had to build that wall to protect me from the very people who were supposed to be my go-to persons.
Gentle parenting is challenging. Especially when you were parented the exact opposite way. It helps to pause, take a break, and ask help from your partner. I am grateful that I have a husband who understands my personality and knows when to let me tap out when I am feeling already stressed out. Like J.K. Rowling said, “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you.” Whether you grew up with gentle parents or harsh parents, it is ultimately your conscious and intentional decision to parent your kid. And as parents, it is our duty to create responsible, considerate, loving, and caring citizens of the world.
