Hi Hivers, today I'm making a post a little different from my usual, I admit with shame that I haven't been very active lately in this community, preferring "lighter" communities and themes, but today I'm here again to talk, confide, reflect. Like many people, whether they suffer from a mental disorder like me or not, the change of season can create discomfort, mood changes and even physical changes. For me, autumn is always the queen season of melancholy and reflection, a prelude to winter which however makes me less sad.
For me this is a period where I reflect a lot, I have had some difficult health problems and the discovery of a degenerative problem although not immediately, this diagnosis has thrown me into great despair and I already suffer from depression after this news my mood is It was even darker and my vision of my future even blacker. When we talk about illness we also start talking about that dark topic that is death, which scares me even just to evoke it, it is my greatest fear.
It is no coincidence that I also suffer from panic attacks and am terrified of illnesses. Autumn with its rainy climate has pushed me to close myself in the house more and to try not to go crazy with fear but rather to ask myself important questions. Why am I so afraid of death? Should I seek some spirituality? Why does the unknown terrify me? Why am I afraid of diseases? I haven't exactly found an answer to all the questions, the first fear is probably really atavistic, innate and worsened in my opinion by the lack of faith, I believe that believing in a superior entity would make my fears less strong and death an event more acceptable.
For fears of illness, they are direct consequences of the fear of death, of the unknown, of the fact that I don't know what will happen after passing away and also of pain, physical suffering and the end of hope. Often it seems to me that my past is already too long and that it has eaten up my future too, I feel like I am now late for too many things, for a degree, for travel, for the job of my dreams, these sensations however they are not just mine but it seems like those of an entire generation according to my peers.
How do you experience autumn? Fear of death and illness?
