Seeing my profile inactive for a very long time reminded me that I should write an update about myself before writing something else. I have been on and off lately; mostly took time for myself and stayed away from the blockchain and social media. I had plans but in the end, it didn't work out how I planned. A lot had happened and I was living in disappointment. I was mostly living with feelings of remorse, despise, and guilt. A lot of posts are in drafts and I had no energy to finish them so they are unfinished mixed with raw emotions. I felt like I was floating on a sea of emotions and it felt like a never-ending process. So, from where do I start? I don't know yet, let's see where this post finish...
What have I been up to? Was there something productive that kept me busy? Was there anything significant that happened or I was doing? I don't know. To be honest, at one point I felt like I should stay silent, stay away from everything completely. I had no inspiration to write something. I wasn't even traveling. It started just before Christmas but the volume of pressure and pain started just before the new year. I had a complete mental breakdown again where I could barely hold myself together. My chronic depression and other problems somehow started haunting me once again and opened a new dark chapter in my life. All, I can say is it was difficult, I was one of the emergency cases once again who needed instant help. I kept my pain, and my feelings secret, I completely shut down and thought that I was alone and this was it, this was the end. I am still alone even though I have a beautiful companion, my dog. I didn't have the courage to write about my condition because I was scared. My darkness and my feelings sometimes scare other people. They think I am negative energy...
Even though I wrote something on my second account but that was nothing significant. I think I learned how to lie, how to hide the truth, and pretend that everything is fine. In my mind, I thought that writing such a kind of life update or mental health-related post might draw tons of attention. Some might say, oh again drama started, here we go again or here comes the attention seeker writing something while taking rewards... People don't have time to read someone else's bizarre thoughts or struggles because we all have a lot of things going on in life.
Is everything okay now? No, but I am adjusting, I am learning. Even though I don't have the inspiration to write something inspiring and beautiful, I still think about good things. My personal life had been messed up and it also triggered my mental health problems. It was like putting oil in the fire. I couldn't trust anybody, I was confused. It's not like everything is fixed now, I just have more room to think. Staying away from everything I guess was good. The isolation was painful but it helped me to understand a lot of things in life. I knew that my struggle and suffering only be dealt with by me, no one else could fix it. Even though some of my friends know what's going on but I never opened up about everything to others. I still see my therapists, they help me a lot even though I am still learning how to share everything with them.
I genuinely don't like sympathy. I don't like those who see my sickness or mental health issues as my weakness. Have you ever looked at the white wall for hours and forgotten about the time? There was a point in my life where I lost so many hours and I don't even remember what I have done in those hours. They are lost, disappeared from my life and I don't remember. I was reading somewhere that doesn't ask someone why you are depressed or what's the reason for your depression. There are no answers...How would I know what's the reasons for all of my mental health problems?
I saw pettiness in people's eyes, it felt horrible. I consumed all of the harassment that could break me into pieces. I felt small, tiny... It's not like my ego shattered, but my self-respect and self-value shattered into pieces. In this short period of time, many told me why I didn't run away, move on, and start fresh again. I often wonder how...
Maybe I am not well for a certain period of time, maybe I am feeling miserable for a certain period of time but the reason I am still alive is Hope. I am still hopeful that one day everything will be fine...My depression breaks me every day, sometimes it tries to kill me but a part of me is still hopeful that this fight will stop one day...
I hope next time, if I write something; I will share something meaningful and start with positive energy...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
Find me on:
The author captures all images used...