For those following the eye sight dilemna, they know I had to spend a majority of my time looking at the floor. Although this has been rather frustrating, it has given me time to do more reflecting.
As usual the thoughts went to my ongoing struggle to stop isolating myself from others. As of late, the battle has been somewhat successful, but I still felt there was an answer missing.
Yeah, I mean I recognize the problem I have, but looking at it from a medical standpoint, is my addiction to isolation the disease, or just a symptom of underlying problem? After much thought I concluded today that it was a symptom of an underlying problem.
A great deal of my adult life has been careers in service. Much of my adult life up to this point was in the military service, afterwards a couple years working to serve customers as service manager, then as a civil servant.
I really enjoy being of service to others. Providing someone with something they need, or even want, and watching them succeed because of said services. Yes, it is somewhat self-serving in a sense to want to serve others so I can feel good about myself.
Let's rewind to when my struggle with isolation began. It was at a time made for the perfect storm. You see I was already working remotely half my time due to treatments, and other medical challenges for a couple years, then COVID hit, I experienced more medical challenges, and eventually retired early for medical reasons.
Now we start to get to where I was driving this train.
So today I am thinking about how much I hate going out because of my medical challenges and how some are easily apparent. I am not an old man by most definitions. However, when your are accused of being your wife's father, you know you don't look like a young sprite.
To me, caring around these handicaps and other older looking quirks is rather embarrassing. Really, it is. I mean, it seems like just yesterday I was running half-marathons, training for marathons, and doing other physically challenging feats. Now, I shuffle along with my cane like some nursing home patient.
I tell myself I come to grips with this, but I realize I have not. It weighs on me. It weighs on me to the point I do not want to be in public. It embarasses me to the point I do not want to associate with those who knew a younger healther Joe.
This in turn as led me to a point I have not been of service. I have not been getting the pleasure and fulfillment of seeing others succeed through my service.
So what comes next?
Not sure, but I appreciate you reading as I continue this journey and battling the demon.
More to follow.
Thanks,
Joe
Note: Image is my own, taken with iPhone SE
