Konnichiwa to you all! It's your ridgette again, and I just want to ask you all first: are you alright? Was your day fine? Today, I'm going to share my pre-commemoration blog for my lupus journey. It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed with this disease, and up until now, I'm still at my acceptance stage.
During the first months after I was diagnosed with lupus, I wrote these letters to lessen my emotional and mental burden. These letters helped me let out the feelings that I couldn't share with my family. Writing these letters somehow helped me get through the emotional turmoil that I had experienced during my first months of recuperating, so please bear with my writing skills because what I've written were the words that immediately came to mind at that time. I was driven by emotion and not the passion to write aesthetic pieces, so if you think it's kind of messy and you can't handle reading it, it's fine; you can leave it right there, but if you're interested, I'll gladly join you as I reminisce about the darkest days of my journey as a lupus warrior.
The Screams of the Silent Soul
She
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
–She, Green Day
February 2023
Looking way past the days this month, I had a lot of things to look forward, and naturally those are the happy moments. But later it was shaded with foreboding uncertainty, and uncertainty that quickly turned into reality. I was grateful that I was able that I was able to spend time with my friends, for me that was one of the happy things that I've done, and I'm grateful to have that opportunity!
Almost half of my experience, or majority perhaps were challenging. I was slapped quite hard that I didn't met the 'given' deadline of my 'dream' college school that I've been looking forward since gradeschool. I wasn't admitted there because of the unavailability of my grades. To be honest, I was sad, wait–that's an understatement, I was quite grief-stricken. It somehow triggered something, and that something turns out to be somewhat life-changing. I have a lot of decisions that I regretted that I never considered to take, but perhaps now it won't change anything. Everything happens for a reason, and I hope it will lead me to happiness someday.
To sum things up, this month taught me a lot about acceptance, though I'm not sure if I fully grasped it. It will take time to accept those consequences, but I know God has, somehow, hopefully, have plans for me.
-gette
Tears of the Lost One
Is your heart singing out of tune
Are your eyes just singing the blues
–Amy, Green Day
July 12, 2023
To the girl who lost,
The humiliation you've experienced,
didn't hurt you like the usual
it didn't even hurt your ego
or feel like the first time
losing in contest
sobbing all night
crying like some scared child
but it's enough to tip men's pride
yet you prevailed
but now's different
it wasn't the loss, it's the humiliation
it's like your pride being dented
not like but it is
just a little dent that hurts like hell
imprinted like a scar
a big wound but actually a
scratch
just a tiny scratch...
Setting it free,
the lost girl
Down to the Murky Road
Little girl, little girl
Why are you crying?
Inside your restless soul
Your heart is dying
–¿Viva la Gloria? (Little Girl), Green Day
July 29, 2023
An eavesdropped confession:
She felt guilty and ashamed for she know that lately she became a burden to all of them. They wouldn't want to upset her, but she could see it that they were silently suffering. Their eyes spoke for their lamentations, and she was ashamed that there's none that she could do to ease their suffering. Not wanting to waste the effort they have done to ease her illness, she tried to change, but her attitude silently creep back and peel the awful mask that she keeps on wearing. Slowly fading into the abyss of despair, she could no longer contain the misery that she had felt. The loneliness, the hopelessness, the despair, and the punishment that she think she deserved. She wanted to feel it alone, and to suffer alone, but fate seems to hate her. It shared the misery to the people around her, slowly tainting the shreds of every single hope that they have, poisoning the happiness that they have, and that crumbling hope, no one knows if they are still with it. She wanted to take all their misery; God knows she wanted to take it all, but she was left puzzled as to what would He planned for her. She was slowly losing that faith that once bloomed in her hopeful heart, her happiness that creep in her soul was slowly fading... fading to eternity.
To the one who dreamed,
gette
Accepting the fact that I will not be the same as I was before was really tough. I'm still seeking reasons why God gave me this ordeal. Honestly, I really don't mind if he punishes me through this disease, but what I mind is that I became a burden to my family. I'm used to being independent and dependable, and I did everything to make them proud and not be a burden to my family, but everything changed when this disease came.
I became a burden, and I knew we suffered not just financially but also emotionally and mentally. I knew that during that time they gave up a lot of things just for me to survive, and I knew I would never ever repay those things. I'm not talking about money or material things, for those things were far more important than money and material things. I'm still wondering why this happened to me and why things turned out this way. I know that He certainly has reasons, and as I move forward towards my journey as a lupus warrior, I'm hoping that I'll discover those reasons along the way.
