Today was benevolently cathartic. I don’t know how to explain it but a summary is, accepting what hurts you might be the best medicine for the pain.
I’m known for letting my emotions get the best of me. It’s no secret. All my posts say so. I am very connected to my inner child and many times, she’s put me in trouble. But that’s the beautiful thing about life. I am still young and I will make mistakes, the process is learning from them.
I have been at war with myself regarding a certain decision I needed to make. I couldn’t rashly act because I had to consider lot of people other than myself. It was like going through hell. I had this scenario play in my head constantly and an ache in my chest that left me feeling suffocated, but that was all it was. Hell for a moment.
I have to say I am proud of myself first of all for not making a decision in the heat of the moment. I let my pride go and took the scathing words, seeing it for what it was. It hurt so much, but I know why. It’s because I let the source of the heat get within my walls and because I still cared about them. However, there is only so much a human can take.
This is beautifully cathartic because while I was getting dressed this morning to leave for work, I remembered something and someone I had forgotten about totally. And when I remembered how that person perfectly misunderstood and then belittled me, I laughed because unlike that time months ago, I remembered and no longer felt that ache. It was a distant memory. This proved that time heals and all I had to be was patient with my heart.
I feel that we can’t erase people we have chosen to love from our hearts especially when you’ve had precious memories with them. Yes, we may have gone our separate ways, doesn’t mean there is now a clean slate where that person used to be. It doesn’t work that way. Not from what I’ve experienced though. People come and go and they never leave you the same. You don’t remain neutral with people. They either had big influence or little influence on you.
So when we hurt from letting these people go, or losing them, it doesn’t help trying to just erase everything. We only hurt ourselves in the process. We become bitter and mean without realising it. I came to this realisation when I carefully picked apart my feelings.
The only way forward was accepting that I was hurting and that someone was responsible for it and then patiently hoping, while forgiving, for time to heal the wounds. I don’t believe that my heart has stopped receiving its share of heartbreak and pain, what I do know is that I’ve found a way to deal with it.
I accepted that my heart was bleeding and then, today, it was just so beautiful. I was listening to this song, We Are Young by F.U.N, and the memories assaulted me and it was just so beautiful. The night before, I had asked God to grant me peace. In the end, he’s the only Person who sees me for what and who I am. He gave me what I asked for.
I feel extremely blessed for these past days. Nothing like conflict to make you stronger. Nothing like memories to live again but this time looking at the future and saying Goodbye to things and people who are no longer worth the wait.
Cheers to life. Cheers to moments and cheers to love.
With Love,
Deraa🤍.
