I took some re-evaluation tests in my therapy yesterday. It had been six months since I first took them, and it was time to see where I stood. I was glad to find a marked improvement. Which, to be fair, I felt already, but was nice to have it confirmed. However, one of the phrases you had to agree/disagree with went as follows:
Receiving a compliment makes me feel like I'm worth something.
Rough translation. Compliments have been a fair bit on my mind. I've been receiving quite a few over on Medium. I get a lot of people telling me what a good writer I am. And once, that would've left me in such awe. Once, it did. I've always been wary of writing collectives, since they have a habit of turning into over-enthusiastic circle jerks. I was part of such a collective a couple years ago and similarly, received a lot of compliments. A few people fawning over my prose. Then, much as I rolled my eyes at the laudatory comments, part of me couldn't help being thrilled that someone appreciated me.
Obviously, as a young writer, it can be very intense and impressive to receive such appreciation, and at 22-23, I was really taken by being the center of such words. I even joined in to an extent, complimenting my complimenters, lest they take offense and stop fawning.
I broke away from that after some months, as I started perceiving it as very artificial. Stilted. Fake. I didn't enjoy it anymore, so I stopped writing there.
And now, I'm writing here. On Medium. And seem to have amassed another group of commenters. And I generally shy away from saying such things, lest I seem ungrateful. I am, very. Yet I can't help but feel this excessive aw-ing is nothing but an appeal to my vanity. Self-interested, of course. There's the unwritten agreement in all such writing collectives that if you saunter by and drop a few over-enthusiastic lines about my post, I'll do the same with yours.
It's the same here. Or at least, it used to be. I'm no longer sure. I never indulged in that on Steemit/Hive. Even with the writers I'm very inspired by here (and there), I try to keep the fawning to a minimum, and instead focus on a thoughtful, nuanced comment. Something that proves I read and at least tried to follow the author's intention with that post.
I'm aware I don't need to. Not really. By this point, I'm old enough, have enough rep, and people know me enough that I could just spam comments like "oh you're awesome. love you babes" and probably still pass for genuine instead of spam. I'm also aware I could do a better job of sucking up to whales. To big players.
I can't do that. It's not something that's natural for me at all. Neither here, nor there. I have a very hard time "checking out your posts" if I don't consider your comment engaging and a cut above thick-layered compliments.
Is that ungrateful? I'm not sure. I keep wondering that, actually. Would I be better served if I played better ball? Probably. AS it is, I'm struggling to keep control on my time as is. I just don't have the time and energy to craft lies or overly-expansive compliments to suck up to other writers. Maybe I should make time. I dunno.
On both platforms, I tend to click on a very small group of names I know to be quality. Them, I click by default. Support - so and so. I'm not gonna drop a string of platitudes just because I know someone and like their usual stuff. As for the people outside that circle, I only click on titles that genuinely spark my interest. And even on those, I can't do comments like "you are a master of prose and words are like clay in your hands. You are a true Rodin of literature."
Does anyone fall for that? I generally tell people I liked their post. But I don't say it unless I really mean it, which I don't think is the case about most of these people leaving comments.
What do you think? Both as a creator and a commenter? How do you react to compliments? And how do you let someone know you like their stuff?
And because it is #threetunetuesday, thanks to the lovely @ablaze, here's what's been buzzing in my ears lately:
If I took the time to replace
What my mind erased
I still feel as if I'm here, but I'm gone
I just wish you could feel what you say
Seeing this guy live in a few weeks and couldn't be more excited.
Can't seem to shake off this song lately. Obviously, you love any song that seems to be about you, but a song that captures how you feel and in such a fantastic imagery. I mean, on a creative level, this is so incredibly rich.
And it's the hardest thing I've ever had to prove
You turned to salt as I turned around to look at you
or
Then you leave my head, and crawl out of bed
Subconscious solipsist
And for those hours deep in the dark
Perhaps you don't exist
It's just amazing stuff. Anyway, thanks @ablaze! <3
