I played another game this morning. I did it to catch my friend while he was online. We played together last night too. I wonder if he’s sleeping now. I remember how I felt when I stayed up all night playing video games. I wasn’t well. The mind becomes snow frozen with the many steps taken through it. It’s walked down. You can hear it when I speak. I’m not fresh. I’m slow. I can’t recognize things in front of me. I can’t see that even though I’m playing all night, chatting with people, and winning games, I’m not having fun.
I woke up this morning excited. I want takeout. I want fried rice and soft shell crab. I want chicken wings, fingers, tenders or nuggets.
It’s not the only thing, but a good meal drives me. It’s almost better than a game. The experience earned is tangible. I think before I took the time to stand presently, I wanted shortcuts. In a rush to complete as much as possible with the least delay, I half-read books on time and life management. I tried to preach about a book whose message I read but didn’t comprehend. I thought all this tech was what I was missing, what I needed, but for a long time, the tools used me instead.
When I stayed up all night gaming, I was playing at something else. I wanted the joy of teamwork. I wanted to taste success. Who doesn’t want to learn from failure and try again? Rise to the occasion? Overcome obstacles?
I stayed up doing those things at night because I wanted to work at something, too. I was so tired, because I didn’t feel worthy of rest. I drove myself with a doggedness that didn’t let the sleeping lie. It was a far cry from my real dreams.