Memoir
/ˈmemˌwär/ noun. a record of events written by a person having intimate knowledge of them and based on personal observation. Usually memoirs. an account of one's personal life and experiences; autobiography. the published record of the proceedings of a group or organization, as of a learned society.
It’s already week eight!
For all of those who’ve regularly participated in Memoir Monday - keep going, you’re making great progress in crafting your very own life story for future generations to enjoy.
For those who missed the inaugural post explaining what the Memoir Monday initiative is all about you can find it here.
This week’s Memoir Monday question:
If you had the chance to do it all over, what would you do differently?
My answer:
I’ve been very lucky in my life and don’t have many regrets so far. If I had a chance to do it all over again there would be a few things I’d do differently.
Number one is, I’d concentrate on being my authentic self when I was a teenager. From elementary school through my freshman year in high school I was the stereotypical nerd - skinny, straight A’s, very shy, thick glasses. I absolutely thrived in the classroom environment, was rigidly regimented, and was a great rule follower.
Around the end of my freshman year our neighborhood and schools were quickly taking a turn for the worse due to the 1980’s crack cocaine epidemic. In a very short period of time the school I attended, Eastmoor High School, became overrun with gangs, guns, drugs, and violence. School became a very dangerous place to be and the authorities refused to acknowledge there was a problem. The halls and classrooms of Eastmoor became more like a prison environment. The teachers spent more time trying to keep order in the classes than they did teaching.
Around the end of the ninth grade I started getting bullied. I was an easy target. Out of either self-preservation or just wanting to be liked and fit in (probably both), I made up my mind during the end of the ninth grade that this wasn’t how my high school experience was going to be. I began lifting weights for hours a day, loading up on calories, and got contact lenses. I also started spending more time with a different (more popular) group of friends. Most of these people wouldn’t have given the old, nerdy version of me the time of day.
The summer before the tenth grade I gained about twenty-five pounds of muscle (and kept gaining). I changed the way I dressed and forced myself to come out of my shell. When the new school year started in the fall of 1986 some people I’d gone to school with for almost our entire childhood didn’t recognize me. Coincidentally, the Beastie Boys album, Licensed to Ill, was released that autumn and it became our anthem. We crashed college parties on Ohio State University’s campus and school dances dressed like b-boys (track suits, shell toe Adidas shoes, Kangols, Cazal glasses, and gold chains). It’s ridiculous when I think about it now. That was the year I lost touch with nearly all of my old friends.
Up until that point I was on the on the college prep track and, with my grades, would have easily gotten a full scholarship at a good college. During my tenth grade year I began cutting classes, breaking rules, getting into trouble, and did just enough course work to pass. I stopped getting bullied and became more “popular” but in doing so I changed the entire trajectory of my young adult life and academic future.
I had a whole a lot of fun those last three years of high school - college parties, dating, drinking, and exploring all the facets of this exciting new world in which, I still felt like I wasn’t truly a part of. I skipped school over a hundred days in my senior year. To this day, think it was a miracle that I managed to graduate. I imagine some school administrator saw my previous academic performance and must have taken pity on me.
I often wonder how different things would have turned out if I hadn’t gone through this radical transition or understood that I didn’t have to change the entirety of who I was to feel accepted. This is something I would never do again.
Many of these popular new friends I made in high school have ended up with lives of mediocrity, struggle, and misery. It seems like those high school years are when many of their lives peaked. Some classmates have even spent time in prison, homeless, had addiction issues, or died prematurely. I was lucky, those three years of “fun” ended up just making my life harder for a little while. I eventually found success later in life but it took longer, required much more work/struggle, and was less traditional than it otherwise would have been.
It wasn’t all bad. As history shows us, being a rule follower isn’t always the best attribute to have. I still went to college but had to work full time and pay my tuition as I went. I did gain a lot of knowledge about human dynamics, psychology, and how the world really works during those three years of carefree foolishness. I became more social, confident, comfortable with taking risks, and extroverted. I’ve carried these traits with me through my life. This probably would have taken a lot longer otherwise and have ended up benefiting me tremendously in life.
As the old saying goes, everything we do in life comes with a cost. The price I paid for those three years of fun and acceptance were my old friendships. To this day I still think about and miss some of my old friends, now they’re just memories and names from the past - Kevin Gales, Chris Amand, Sean Moneypenny, Jeff Dickens. Turning my back on these friendships is my biggest regret. Some of these people have gone on to lead happy, very successful lives and the thought of this makes me smile. I’m connected with a few of them on social media but others have no digital footprint whatsoever so they’re lost to the past. Still, I wonder about them and reminisce about the time we spent together.
The second thing I would do differently is I would be more choosey about the people I place my trust in. Looking back, I have a bad habit of occasionally trusting the wrong people and being blinded to red flags by charisma. This has caused me some great disappointment, frustration, and hardship. I’ve gotten much better at this one in middle age.
Lastly, I would have been more cognizant of establishing boundaries within relationships and not be so willing to sacrifice my own wants, needs, and goals for the sake of others. This is a behavior that I’ve become aware of in the last few decades and learned to put into practice. I’m still working on this and probably will be my entire life. I’m convinced that establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries in our relationships is one of the most valuable skills to have if we want to achieve personal happiness, peace, and fulfillment in life.
I’ve learned the best thing about this journey is most decisions are not irreversible and life often isn’t a zero sum game. Except for very few instances we’re the masters of our own destinies and not victims of circumstances. Most mistakes can be corrected, we learn and become better humans but before we do this we must be aware of and acknowledge these mistakes. We can and should be consciously changing ourselves as we live and learn. Sadly, sometimes it’s just not possible to reclaim some of the things we’ve lost along the way.
Rules for Memoir Monday Participation
- Please reblog this first post and share on other social platforms so we cast the widest net possible for this initiative;
- Pictures paint a thousand words. Include pictures in your posts if you have them;
- Answer each Memoir Monday prompt question in your own post. The prompt question will be published each Monday but you'll have the entire week to answer and publish your own post;
- Have fun with it, don't worry about getting behind, or jumping into the project at any point after we've begun; and
- Lastly, be sure to include the tag #memoirmonday.
It's that simple.
At the end of the next twelve months we'll have created something immensely valuable together. It's so important to know our "whys" in life and there's no better way to do that than this.
Someday all that will be left of our existence are memories of us, our deeds, and words. It's up to you to leave as rich of a heritage as possible for future generations to learn from. So, go ahead, tell your stories. I can't wait to read them.
Be well and make the most of this day. I want to sincerely thank all of the participants thus far. I've really enjoyed reading your posts!
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