Afternoon ladies. Just passing through, don't mind me.
I breezed through the lounge where the Good Lady was holding court with several of her friends. I recognised one of them as Ollette a screeching goth magpie of a woman.
There were two others, both looking at me disapprovingly. One was tall and thin with an unruly thatch of what looked like pubic hair on her head and the other was rather large and pale and looked like a crudely severed breast.
I hoped I hadn't overdone it with the ladies comment.
I can't believe he would have done that to you Margot. Bloody men.
Olette hissed disgustedly.
The Severed Breast who didn't appear to be Margot also made a disapproving noise like a Tuba that was being inexpertly blown by an asthmatic old man.
Despite only passing through the lounge on my way to my mancave of a garage I couldn't help but pause and place a hand on my hip accusingly.
Hey, remember, this is a non-man-hating house!
I pointed randomly at one of the walls as if there was a sign to back me up. Fortunately though, I don't live in a clownhouse of wall-hung quotes.
Ollette looked at me curiously as if only just now realising I was indeed a man. Which did nothing for my self-esteem seeing as how she had practically tried to breastfeed me once to prove a point.
In the case of Margot's man it is warranted.
She said rather primly.
Oooo, I love a good scandal. What has he done? Has he, you know, dibbled his dibbly in another lady's wibbly?
I clapped my hands together. I loved a juicy bit of who shagged who gossip.
Ewww no!
Cried the animated stick with pubes on her head who I now realised was Margot.
Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he had!
The Severed Breast exclaimed with relish.
Fucking hell, Old Margot's husband must have done something pretty damn bad. I felt it my moral duty to plumb the depths of these fine upstanding women to find out what the merry hell he had done.
Are you not meant to be going to the garage?
The Good Lady made a jerking motion with her head almost as if she wanted me to beat it and leave the ladies to their chat.
One minute darling, surely as the resident male I can offer some insight as to the spectacular crime that Margot's man has committed. Go on then... What did he do?
I perched on the edge of our big table just out of reach of Ollette's wandering hands.
The Severed Breast sniffed haughtily and shook her head.
And he has shown no shame either has he Margot?
She puffed like bubbles wrestling their way to the surface of a thick porridge.
Sooo, what did he do?
I was aching now to find out the heinous crime of mannity. Perhaps he had absconded with all of her money? Maybe he had been dressing as a woman and turning tricks for tenner bags of heroin? Crikey, the possibilities were endless.
One thing for sure though, whatever he had done, given the expressions of the ladies around me. It was damned serious.
I will tell him Margot.
Ollette steeled herself within her stiff black skirts and faced me.
The other night, Margot went and I went out for a couple of drinks. We left Freddie alone in the house, he said he was just going to watch a movie with a few beers...
All of the ladies visibly gulped at the horror that was to come. Ollette bravely continued on.
When Margot arrived back, she opened the door and... and...
It's ok, Ollette, just tell him.
Margot snuffled what could have been a sob.
She opened the door to the living room and thought how nice it smelled. She asked Freddie what the lovely smell was and he said... he said... he lit a couple of her candles for when she was watching his movie!?
Margot lifted a hand to her brow and looked as if she was about to faint.
I don't get it. What's wrong with lighting a couple of candles?
I spoke slowly so as not to rouse their ire. It can be a dangerous thing asking a bunch of women what is wrong with doing something. After all, everything is often wrong.
They were my Yankee Candles, he had lit three of them. He ruined them, one of them was my spiced banana bread one. Oh, the bastard!
Margot wailed casting her eyes upward at whatever kind of cruel God could allow such evil.
I looked back and forth among the women to see if they were pulling my leg. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with lighting a fancy scented candle? Isn't that what they are for?
They looked back at me, all of them. Like praying mantises ready to bite my head off if I said the wrong thing.
I mean really though, lighting a scented candle? Isn't that a nice thing? Why were they so angry?
Then I saw the Good Lady and her eyes were wide as if in warning.
I nodded gravely.
He did what?! Dammit, is he some kind of monster?!
I practically spat my contempt.
The coven nodded in approval and began to talk of other things.
It looked like I was to survive another day.