My phone softly pinged.
I swiped the notification away and with a heavy heart, slowly stood.
Guy's, it's time.
I called out to the family dotted about the house. No one answered, although somewhere, I heard someone shout arsehole.
I hoped it wasn't one of my children. Then again, I hoped it wasn't the Good Lady. This was no time to be frivolously tossing off insults to husbands. Not after the news I had just seen.
Guys?
Fucking bastards. No one ever listened.
I walked into the kitchen and lifted the fake tin of Beluga Oil from one of the shelves. From within I took out a small silver key. I lifted my glasses and pinched the bridge of my nose. From outside I thought I could hear distant screams.
It was coming.
Guys, you had better come. Quick.
I yelled. A tinge of desperation in my tone. They didn't know what was coming, few did. If we were to survive we had to move quickly.
Hot cocking donkeys man, what was keeping them? Why were they ignoring me? This was serious.
I opened the hall cupboard and slid the little silver key into a small unassuming metal box attached to the wall. It turned as easily as a 'Hive Blogger for life' who has been caught plagiarising.
Awoooga... Awooooga... Awooooga...
A klaxon sounded throughout the house. The family were meant to come running at the first sound of it but no one did. Although I thought I heard someone shout fucking bumfeet.
I wondered what they meant.
Quickly I shook my head to rid myself of such trivial thoughts. I would have plenty of time to contemplate bumfeet where I was going.
Which was down there.
Before me, a trapdoor had opened up and a small flight of stairs faintly lit by small dotted LEDs led down into the unknown.
Outside I could hear the far-off roaring noise growing louder. More screaming, desperate and high-pitched like a top Blurt author looking for engagement in the yawning emptiness of the comment section of one of their posts.
Dammit. They were taking too long. I would have to leave them. At least it would be quick. They wouldn't know that everything was about to end for them.
Bitcoin had hit an all-time high today. In fact mere moments ago. I had been preparing for this for years by building my cryogenic sleep escape chamber deep within the bowels of the earth. Everyone thought that the price hitting an all-time high would be a good thing.
But I knew differently. I knew that what goes up must come down and that Bitcoin was about to come crashing down destroying everything beneath it like an imaginary money tsunami.
Few if any would survive.
Except for me, I had customised my old Zanussi chest freezer and jerry-rigged a Raspberry Pi to it with some shonky code that ChatGPT had been more than happy to spit out for me.
I had created a way to sleep for the next thousand years and escape the madness and death that would be coming with the Bitcoin crash.
I contemplated calling for my family one more time as the screams of humanity dying grew to a crescendo.
Then I shook my head and smirked.
So long suckers!
I tramped down the stairs. A new destiny awaited.
alright alright, I was so enamoured with my thumbnail I had to write something and when bitcoin went ATH, how could I not honour it!