sleep,
I’d like to sleep
With you;
Enter your sleep
As a smooth dark wave
Slides over my head…
I’d like to be the air
That inhabits you a moment, I’d
Like to be that unnoticed
& unnecessary.
—Margaret Atwood
After Wren left I was so exhausted I lay back on the couch and fell immediately into a deep sleep.
Of course, Wren had gotten me so keyed up I dreamt of her, but it was no ordinary dream, at least, not like any dream I ever had before.
We were in some kind of gathering, the lighting subdued and people mingling. The crowded room was filled with shadowy figures except for Wren—she stood out as if spotlighted and I was fascinated by her poetry of gestures.
I decided to approach her but as I walked toward her I felt drawn by some kind of magnetism.
Her back was toward me and one moment I was staring at the graceful nape of her neck and the next instant merged into her and was looking at the world through her eyes.
It was exhilarating, but at the same time, terrifying and I began to panic. I awoke feeling feverish, my hair damp and my forehead beaded with sweat.
I sat up but felt shaky,
What the hell was that? I mused. It was a totally bizarre experience, but at the same time, so real it left me trembling.
I took a sip of my wine but I was freezing, so I put the kettle on to make a rum hot chocolate and added another log to the fire.
I sat there a long time, a throw blanket wrapped around me, cradling my hot toddy and trying to make sense of what just happened to me.
Eventually, I gave up trying to reason it out and went up to bed.
I remember Creed crawling in beside me sometime during the night and clinging to me as I clung to her—from fear, or guilt, or some other obscure need I couldn't comprehend.
I told myself I'd discuss it with her in the morning, but didn't. In the cold light of dawn I felt the best course was to seek Lev's advice—after all he was a clinical psychologist and would best be able to make sense of this.
We sat together in the Hart House Grill, Lev 's concerned eyes watching as I poured out my fears.
"That must have been extremely disturbing," Lev whispered when I finished.
"What does it mean, Lev?"
"Based on what preceded it, your dream could be your subconscious telling you that you are attracted to this woman yet terrified of the consequences of expressing this desire. You are either feeling guilt at betraying Creed or fear that you will totally upend your life."
"So, I'm just dealing with repressed desire for Wren?"
Lev shrugged.
"It's not so simple dealing with the mind, will and emotions. There may be a more symbolic meaning. For example, given the circumstances we're under at the moment, being pressured by right wing extremists to suppress our true identity, that could also be part of it as well."
"How do I know which explanation is true?"
"You have to work through the process, Alex. There's no magic solution to what you're experiencing. Just be honest with yourself and acknowledge what you're feeling. But, for the time being, I wouldn't upset Creed by telling her about this. I'd wait and see if it becomes clearer as you go on."
I thanked Lev for his counsel and his taking time to guide me toward a solution.
I think he gave me good advice, but what I didn't tell him was that I felt so drawn to Wren that I wanted not just to know her physically but to become her.
Maybe there was something I saw in her I lacked and wanted to express in my life, and so in my dream I hopped into her body to see what it would feel like to see the world through her eyes.
But, on the other hand, maybe I was irresistibly attracted to her and wanted not just to love her but possess her. That was a real possibility…
And that was really frightening.